Written by Neil Levine
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Monday, 17 October 2005

image for Governor Schwarzenegger Debates Liberals Beatty and Reiner
Bring It On

Death Valley, California---Liberal Warren Beatty has decided to debate Gubernator Arnold Schwarzenegger in an effort to enlighten the California and, by extension, national electorates on the special issues this country faces.


"I want to clarify the issues," said a confident potential candidate Beatty. "I'm liberal. He's not."


"I can take care of that," replied Governor Schwarzenegger.


"I'm sure you can," said Mr. Beatty.


"I'm six two," said Schwarzenegger.


"So am I and I can act."


"So can I," said the Governor. "And I can rule the silver screen."


"But only in vehicles where your big muscular physique is on display."


"It's nothing to be ashamed of."


"But not necessarily a dramatic asset."


"I don't know about that. It helped me as Conan the Barbarian."


"And as the Terminator."


"And as Hercules."


Warren Beatty, "And as Mickey Hargitay."


Governor Schwarzenegger, "But nobody thinks of you as Clyde Barrow or Bugsy Siegel."


Warren Beatty, "Just shows what good acting will do for you. Look I've never robbed a bank so we all know it was all an act."


Governor Schwarzenegger, "I'm sure."


Rob Reiner chirps up, "When are you two going to get to the issues."


Warren Beatty, "I've got issues."


Governor Schwarzenegger, "Better, I've got initiatives that are at issue on the ballot."

Rob Reiner, "Where you say the voters can take it or leave it."


Schwarzenegger, "That's what I want the voters to decide."


Warren Beatty, "You know me. I can take it. Or I can leave it. ‘Heaven Can Wait,' you know."


Schwarzenegger, "But the election can't. If I have to, I will make clear the difference between science fiction, fantasy, horror and real drama so the voters will know who really commands a big audience."


Rob Reiner, "That doesn't mean much in this age of electronic communications."


Schwarzenegger, "The only thing that matters is what the electorate needs, wants and can afford."


Reiner, "Muscle only goes so far in California politics. Compassion counts, too."


Schwarzenegger, "Don't talk to me about compassion. You have no idea what real compassion is."

They then began trading real jabs at each other.


"You can't deliver a one liner." "Reactionary." "Meathead." "Your feelings are worthless." "Gigolo." "Crackpot." "Dictator." "You're loud and obnoxious."


Reiner, "Do you recall the recall?"


Schwarzenegger, "I want your star removed from the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It's a sham."


Beatty, "You can't govern by show, by spin, by cosmetics and photo-ops, fake events, fake issues and fake crowds and backdrops."


Schwarzenegger, "Stop pushing your Bulworth on me and the voters.."


All together, "Don't forget. Your vote counts. Drop by your local polling place and pull that lever."


Warren Beatty and Rob Reiner, "To the left."


Arnold Schwarzenegger, "To the right."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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