Witchita -- First it was the BTK Killer. Now it's the H5N1 Bird Flu Pandemic striking the residents of this midwestern town. Not confined to children or the elderly, the bird has been flipped to drivers making the slightest driving errors - like failing to signal their turns.
The "bird flu" as it is being called shows a general disrespect for the person being "flipped," according to experts. "Infecting" someone with the H5N1 bird flu, a.k.a., "giving them the finger" has reached pandemic proportions as traffic has spiraled out of control. No longer limited to New York taxi drivers or minivan drivers clogging left turn lanes, the "bird flu" has now been detected in Witchita schoolchildren too young to drive!
"Like, ya know, Joey is fat and when he bumped into me I dropped all my books. So I gave him "the bird" said 5th grader Tommy Aarons. Unaware he may have helped spread an epidemic that could wipe out as much as 2% of his 5th grade class, Aarons expressed no regret."
"It's kinda like polio," one gym teacher said. Most of the digits get curled up, like someone with arthritis, but the index finger extends -- sometimes with a tiny curl at the last knuckle. Like tetnaus, otherwise known as "lockjaw," it's a crippling, debilitating disease that strikes students, teenagers, anyone with a general lack of respect for authority."
Communicable through windshields and side windows of cars, the bird flu continues to ravage our nations roads and byways, as one driver after another gives "the finger" to another driver for some absent minded, or careless piece of driving."
"It's the end times," said Reverend Joseph. People have no love for one another, except for those abdominable homosexuals. Nobody will forgive anyone else their sins, especially out on the road. You cut someone off accidentally and kawham! You've got the bird flu. And next thing you know, even if youv'e got your robes on, you're giving the flu to some other driver. It's like kicking the dog."
Scientists at the CDC studying the bird flu reportedly came up against Bush science advistors telling them that it was no pandemic, not to worry. What did they do? They gave them the bird too! There's no stopping the bird flu!