Atlanta - Keith Henderson, 22, of Peach Tree City was attacked earlier today by a Big Mac. Mr. Henderson was enjoying his regular meal at a local fast food joint when the sandwich he was about to eat jumped out of his hands and attacked him.
Mr. Henderson, who has never been a victim of a violent crime before, was treated and released at a nearby hospital. "I've never seen anything like it. Ketchup and special sauce was everywhere!" exclaimed the head emergency room nurse, Joanna Lovelace.
Friends of Mr. Henderson were with him and were too busy laughing to help him, police state. Eye witnesses to the crime state that Mr. Henderson fell back and hit his head as the two all beef patties slapped him repeatedly in the face. Once on the ground, both patties pounded his stomach before running off out the fire door in the back.
Mr. Henderson suffered a slight concussion and lacerations to his face and neck. While he's expected to make a full recovery at least physically he states that he is seriously thinking of becoming vegan. "Vegetables aren't this violent," he said.