Written by Mark Garrison
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Wednesday, 27 April 2011

image for Obama Releases Original Nebraska Birth Certificate

WASHINGTON - In response to countless claims from critics, President Barack Obama on Wednesday revealed his original, long form, detailed Nebraska birth certificate in an extraordinary attempt to finally bring to end the issue of where he was born and confirm his legitimacy to be president. He stated, "We do not have time for this kind of silliness."

Obama made the announcement wrapped in an American flag while holding a Bible on national TV from the White House as he attempted to quiet the long lasting debate on his birth status. Obama said to birthers and the media, it is time to move past this ridiculous issue.

"Over the last two years, I have been amazed at the amount of attention this issue has received. I hope the release of my original, long form, signed, official Nebraska birth certificate will finally end the debate about where I was born," said the president.

Obama said that he normally doesn't acknowledge such issues, but that he wanted to "encourage the right wing media and Republicans to move on to more important things such as gay pet adoption by Muslim abortionists."

"I'm confident the American people and America's political leaders can come together in a bipartisan way and solve these problems," he said, before continuing sternly, "We're not gonna be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by donkey shows and carnival whores."

Obama briefly spoke after the White House released a certified copy of the long form of his birth certificate, which contains much more detailed data than the version he released earlier.

The certificate details how Obama was born to a white mother in Nebraska which makes him eligible to hold the office of president. Obama previously released a standard short form certificate of live birth before he was elected in 2008 but he requested copies of his original long form birth certificate from Nebraska officials this week with hopes of ending the conspiracy theories.

Obama has said the issue was settled a long time ago. However, birthers who are opposed to having a black president have kept it in the limelight by questioning why Obama hadn't released the long form.

Polls show large numbers of white people have continued to doubt that Obama is a natural born U.S. citizen eligible to be president, however, White House officials avoided mentioning white people by name. Officials said they released the long form birth certificate partially because the issue had moved beyond "trailer park discussion."

Many Republican leaders have tried to keep themselves away from the "birther" movement and describe it as a discredited theory that is not worthy of national public debate. "We need to move on to more important issues," said Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus. "Issues like whether boys should be allowed to kiss other boys, and whether or not a woman can have control over her own vagina," continued Priebus.

House Speaker John Boehner also released a statement, saying, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!"

The form says Barack Hussein Obama II was born at 7:24 p.m. on Aug. 4, 1961, at Riverfield Maternity Hospital, within the city limits of Northdale, Nebraska.

The birth certificate says his father was African but that his mother was "extremely white" which therefore makes him an American. Obama's mother and the doctor signed the certificate in red ink which was later determined to be the blood of Jesus Christ.

Nebraska's "Registrar of Official Raised Seal Certified Certifiable Certificates of Official Documented Documents" signed, stamped, sealed, swore, bled on, and licked the new photocopy of the document provided to the White House.

The president's personal counsel, Judith Corley, traveled to Kansas under armed guard to pick up the documents and delivered them to Washington in a bulletproof, blast proof, force field protected briefcase locked in a titanium reinforced armored steel safe.

The documents arrived at the White House and were immediately laminated and hung on the White House fence.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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