Written by Morse
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Wednesday, 27 April 2011

image for Royal Wedding in Britain Leads to Royal Arsed Row in Colonies Over TV Rights!
Enough is Enough, Embattled Spoofer Heads to Canada to Avoid Royal Wedding Mania!

Repercussions from the Royal Wedding continue to escalate in the Colonies causing additional family strife for local man Wally Wordsmithe as his Anglophile wife 'goes over the top' in abject adulation of the impending Mutant Monarchy Matrimonial Marathon!

"It's hell, I say," said a distressed Wordsmithe overheard down at the local 19th hole after a sizzling round of golf on the links and sipping on his gin & bitters.

"There's a cult like thing going around. All the misses setting their alarms for 3:30 a.m Friday in order to rise to catch the royal coverage on the Telly. If that wasn't enough, it's supposed to be a costume event, and they'll all be Skyping each other to discuss the drama and their outfits as it unfolds!"

Wally went on to discuss how the event has changed his life in between racking sobs reflecting his alternate moods of frustration and outrage.

"My hat! She took me favorite hat, a dapper black Pork Pie and cut the crown off, leaving only the brim. She then stitched a union jack doily over it, went down to the Dollar Store and bought up a bunch of dead flowers, and a stuffed one winged raven and sewed them on. Then, checking her handiwork she glued the whole mess to the side of her head with super glue, with some ivy hanging down over her left eye....I told her,' this is a wedding, not Fooking Bloody Race Day in London you daffy C*****!"

Undeterred, according to Wally, madame has proceeded to take over the house. There's a tea set arranged in the formal dining room, British Flags are flying everywhere, and even the dog is forced to participate as she bought him a pair of Prince Charles' ears to dress up in along with a gay looking ascot with hounds, horses, and horrors, pictures of Corgis onnit!

Wally also said he had been advised that Madame was taking command of the Big Screen TV for the duration of the event, which reports have it might extend until Christmas.

The final straw, said Wordsmithe as he hastily packed his overnight valise, the one with the wheels big enough to hide a body if he was so inclined, was opening the house to strangers for the event.

"We had a caravan show up on the golf course in the back of our property. Next thing I know she offers to put the buggers up till after the wedding, feed them and even give them some money despite the fact they threatened to kill all the birds and squirrels in the yard by slitting their throats and putting them on the barbie!"

"Needless to say, I called the coppers...took 35 bleeding minutes for the buggers to get here, and the first thing they wanted to know was if I had any firearms in the house."

"Course I got firearms..'.this is America', I sez, and the next thing I know they want to get a seizure order to take my guns in case I've forced to defend myself from a thievin' pack of travelers who've wormed their way into me house...Bastards!"

The last word from Wally as he set off was that he was taking a job in Canada as a Proctologist's assistant. Never one to mince words, Wally said , as he slammed the door, and engaged the clutch, "This is the last time the Brits shove it up me arse...at least in Canada I'll get paid for puttin' up with Arse Holes...and by the way, that Henry the 8th fella sure had it right....off with their fooking heads if they start puttin' on airs!"

Dr. Victor Nicholas was unavailable to comment by Press Time as he was 'deep in consultation' according to his office manager and fishing companion Minerva Benndover.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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