Recent investigations into Donald Trump's personal background may threaten his presidential bid, according to Fordham University investigative journalism professor O.D. Ebby.
"Mr. Trump's birther attacks on President Obama may be a shrewd attempt to deflect questions about the nationality of his own family members," said Ebby. "My students' forays into Donald Trump's background seem to be uncovering some unsettling facts about two of his wives - namely, it appears that Melanija Knavz and Ivana Zelni?kova are aliases of two women actually born in New Jersey!"
"It was freaky,"continues Jim Edison, a student of Dr. Ebby's. "Dad saw this picture of Ivana when I was working on the story over winter break, and yelled out "that's Hot Wanda!" Turns out that Hot Wanda, or Wanda Zelnick, was a girl he graduated Trenton Central High School with. Dad didn't say much about her, only that it looks like Mr. Trump got more off of her than he did.
"The young Edison followed Wanda's trail to her last known place of employment,the Trump Casino, where she worked as a card dealer. "I visited Wanda's parents and was nervous at first, but her Mom was real nice. She says that she gets a good-sized check from Wanda every year, drawn from a Trump Casino account. She figures that Wanda must have gotten real good at cards."
Dr. Ebby acknowledges that there is substantial information strongly contradicting the Hot Wanda theory.
"Sure, it is widely known that Ivana was an Olympic Athlete in Czechoslovakia, went to the Charles University of Prague, and worked in Montreal as a fur model. But aren't we seriously underestimating Donald Trump and the Republican Party if we think they don't have the resources and the absolute political need to create such an elaborate backstory. And incidentally, do any of us actually remember watching Ivana Zelni?kova in the Olympics? I think the total lack of proof for the Hot Wanda theory is itself proof of an outrageous coverup!"
While this class investigation continues, startling similarities are emerging between Trump's current wife, Melanija Knavs, and Hoboken native and former Trump Casino cashier Melanie Knotts, known to former junior high school classmates as "Smelly Mellie."