Wall street, New York - As the economic crisis deepens in the U.S., many Americans are being advised by financial gurus to relocate to smaller towns where the cost of living is much lower and they can afford to purchase food, clothing, and the occasional sex toy.
Destinations such as Mosquito Ridge, Arkansas, Bone Dry, Nevada, MethLab, Idaho and Shit Creek, Montana have attracted families in search of a better life. Homes in these areas can be obtained for as little as $5. Quite a good deal by anyone's standards. However, these marvelously attractive areas with such appealing names and incredibly low cost of living do have a few little drawbacks, which Americans just need to suck it up and deal with to survive the new world economic realities surrounding them like quicksand, sucking them down to destruction.
Mosquito Ridge, which is opening a new subdivision located by an abandoned pig farm, looks forward to welcoming the new refugees pouring in from expensive, overrated and over-Starbucked urban America. Mayor Jimmie Slawson says, "We're really happy to have a bunch of new residents, but folks comin in here need to consider the pros and cons. Especially the cons. We have a lot of ex-cons living in Mosquito Ridge, the prison is right over yonder and when they get out, they tend to stay in the area. Families will need to keep their homes locked up real tight, we do got some pedos here."
Excellent advice from Mayor Slawson. Savvy buyers of inexpensive blighted homes in small town America will learn that the name of the town can be a good tip off as to the type of place you'll be living in. Mosquito Ridge isn't called that for nothing. Bugs as big around as your head will eat you and your children alive during the summer, breeding in humid, scum filled ditches behind abandoned trailer parks and mucky alleys.
"Just don't go out much and you'll be fine." says the Mayor. Again, excellent advice for future buyers. Stay inside, which is really the best place to be, as there isn't anything worth seeing or doing in these godforsaken places anyway. Apart from that, life is good and very inexpensive, with property taxes at zero (who wouldn't want property taxes that low? Wow!) True, there's virtually no medical services and forget about finding a deep dish Chicago pizza, it just ain't gonna happen. But you can't beat the price.