Written by Tawdry Soup
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Topics: Music, country music

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Drew MacDraw, the wildly popular singer who blasted to the top of the country charts with schlocky favorites such as Old Faithful Dog and The Sickness, has hit paydirt again with his latest sticky-sweet sentimental country song, Plowin' the Field with Momma's Old Bones.

But this time, the song is so overwhelmingly sentimental, it is becoming a worldwide phenomenon that has the potential to change the world as we know it. This is because once anyone listens to the song and the waterworks begin, they can't stop crying until they become completely dehydrated and fall over dead. All you need is a rudimentary understanding of the English language and you will be affected by this latest ladle of cavity-inducing crapola being poured out of Nashville.

"The implications are enormous," said U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. We have translated it into Arabic and are playing it in Al Qaeda strongholds. After only one hour of exposure, our troops, who wear protective earplugs, find nothing of the enemy but dried-up remnants. But we need to get control over this thing before it destroys the entire world. We can't have just anyone dying from listening to it or wars won't mean anything anymore, and the military machine money grubbers are going to be really upset about that."

Indeed, Mr. Gates' worst nightmare is becoming a reality as huge swaths of American countryside are ravaged when local country music stations play the song even once. "You ain't lyin, dat's a powerful song," says Doolie Watson, rocking on his porch next to a mason jar displayed prominently on a TV tray. "Right here in this jar is my entire family, Loretta, Billy, Jo Jo, Eugene, Ben, Daisy, Johnny, Butch, Cindy, Slade and Dee Dee. That song come on the radio last week while I was in the outhouse. When I come back, this was all that was left of 'em. I couldn't even fill a dustpan with their remains."

The lyrics of the song dig so deep into the molasses-laced world of country music super-sappiness that entire audiences are reduced to powder by the time the first verse is played during a MacDraw concert. World powers are taking notice that MacDraw now has control of a potential doomsday machine. All he needs to do is play his song to an unsuspecting audience and the world collapses at his feet. Ear plug sales are through the roof.

Here are select pieces of the lyrics taken out of context with sections blacked out to protect the reader from an untimely death:

Plowin' The Field With Momma's Old Bones

(Lyrics and Music by Drew MacDraw)

The widow woman went to the grave of ********
It was the Fourth of July and ****** **** as we walked under the apple tree
Why did momma ******* ***** smell the cobbler
The rain fell on the tin roof and we was ******* dirt road
Little town where ****** Playin' in the dusk ***starlight

I was a plowin' the field with momma's old bones
****** ********* ***** ********* ******
And I looked up and prayed. Lord, *****************
***** ******* ******** ********* baby crying
Flag **** bible ****Jesus **** Bessie Mae

The fresh mowed grass and ********
Wedding dress ***** ***** train whistle momma and baby
Bessie Mae ******** on the front porch
Morning dew **** ******baby cryin' **** spring flowers
Autumn rain and ***** ***** last words *****

(Repeat Chorus until audience begins to disappear in puffs of smoke)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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