Written by Jalapenoman
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Saturday, 23 April 2011

image for Wheeling, West Virginia Woodchucks Answer Eternal Question
These girls didn't want their favorite tree chucked

Walt and Whitney Wilson in Wheeling, West Virginia wanted to know "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood." They were unsatisfied with the answer "as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Desperate for a solution, and desiring to settle a bet with their neighbors (also wondering Willie and Wanda Watson), the Wilsons and the Watsons have finally discovered the true answer to the eternal question.

Four woodchucks were trapped for the experiment. One was placed in a pen with an axe (to chop wood, in case "chop" was the meaning of "chuck'). Another was placed in a pen with a chainsaw (also to chop wood, in case "chop" was the meaning of "chuck"). A third was placed into a pen with a pile of chopped wood and a target (in case "throw" was the meaning of "chuck'). A fourth was placed in a pen with a television set and a six pack of beer (this was the "control" animal).

At the end of 24 hours, the first woodchuck had gnawed a little on the axe handle, the second had urinated on the chainsaw, the third had moved the wood around to make a den underneath it, and the fourth was trying to TiVo the Playboy Channel.

The answer to the riddle? None.

Walt and Whitney Wilson and Willie and Wanda Watson of Wheeling, West Virginia no longer wonder how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood. They now know that a wood chuck would not chuck any wood. (Note: the two couples did say that they would duplicate the test if anyone could give them another possible definition for "chucking" wood.)

They are now trying to discover how many angels can dance on the head of a pin and whether or not Adam had a belly button.

As a side note, the Watsons won the bet. Their prize is a dinner for two at "The Sizzler."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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