The Department of Homeland Security is revising the color coded threat warnings that they have been using for a few years to monitor terrorist warning levels. People will no longer have to worry about whether green or orange is worse than blue or red. Instead, the D.H.S. has reduced their five stage system to only two stages: elevated and imminent.
Assistant Director of D.H.S. Monte Tumbly described the new system and the changes in a press conference when he said "people ought to be able to remember two stages a lot better than five. We are also trying to dumb this down even more, because we know that there are a lot of people who can't define or even correctly spell elevated and imminent."
"To make it easier on people, those two stages will be better known as "watch your ass" and "cover your ass.""
"We assume that people will know the difference between these two. We also have no word larger than five letters in either of the nicknames. Additionally, we know that people are always checking out asses, both their own and others, and that they should be familiar with the metaphors."
"We hope that this is as easy to remember as stop, drop, and roll was back when that was introduced as a means of putting yourself out when you were on fire."
The Department of Homeland Security is attempting to put several people under contract to advertise the new system. Under consideration are Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Britney would, of course, be the person advising you to "cover your ass."