Written by wadenelson
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Topics: George W. Bush

Friday, 7 October 2005

image for God talks to George Bush without Incurring Roaming Charges
Receives Voicemail and Text Messages from God

Minneapolis -- According to a spokesperson for Verizon cellular, God isn't incurring "any roaming charges whatsoever" when he talks with George W. Bush. Eiffel Steture, head of corporate communications for Verizon, reports that "God's cellular signal is being simultaneously received by all of our towers at equal strength. Technically, we can't explain it, or say exactly where the signal is originating."

With omnipresent signals, Verizon has no way to match an area code, so God is in essence, being allowed to use unlimited "Local Minutes" to instruct his follower, President Bush. "It's really quite ingenious on the Almighty's part," says Steture. Bush traveled to New Orleans six or seven times without either getting his feet wet, OR burning any out-of-area minutes talking to the Lord.

"He doesn't have a listed phone number, but with our MPLS IV system, all George has to do is hit "CALLBACK" on his Motorola Razer if he happens to be indisposed when God rings," says Steture.

According to God's communications staff, otherwise known as the BBC, God has instructed "Sir George" to attack Afghanistan, liberate Iraq, and now, to establish a Palestinean homeland -- somewhere in IIllinois. The "Beeb," as God's bureau is known, occasionally sends Bush messages via teleprompter, and through the back-pack style radio receiver first used during Presidential debates. According to a BBC spokeswoman, "Whether it's God, Jesus his son, Muhhamed his Prophet, or the teleprompter in the East room we hacked into, the message invariably gets through."

Apparently unaware that a pack of voice actors and actresses holding back howls and giggles comprise the "God" that speaks in his ear, puts words on his teleprompter, and now rings his cellphone, Bush has "delivered like no agent we've ever recruited," according to a MI6 employee associated with the hacking. Just imagine if you truly believed God was talking to YOU? If he told you to attack, you'd attack!Even if he told you to appoint a lawyer with no juidicial experience whatsoever to the Supreme Court, you'd probably do it!"

According to Verizon, which has begun monitoring some of Bush's calls, Cheney, Rove, and the NSA have been attempting to inject their own "Commandments" into those sent by the Brits. Interference, and a squealing sound result when both parties attempt to "control" the President at teh same time, resulting in debate comments such as "No, let me finish" as the two parties argue over what the puppet, err, president, is to say next."

Impressed with the number of minutes God is racking up chatting with POTUS, Verizon has decided to offer a *77 hotline other users can call to attempt to speak with the Almighty. This number will automatically connect them with the nearest chapter of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. "Our belief is that if people want to talk to God, that's prayer. If God talks to them, it's usually schizophrenia."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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