Written by TomFoolery
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Tuesday, 4 October 2005

image for For High Court Nominee Miers, If the Robe Fits, Swear It
Decisions, Decisions...

CAPITOL HILL-Harriet Miers, George W. confidant and new-crony-on-the-hill Supreme Court nominee, will soon become a household word across America and around the world. The fact that she has been, up to now, completely unheard of, will be of no consequence, once the minutiae of her background are exposed. That's what this story is all about.

So she's never been a judge. So what?! George W. had never been a president before and look how well he's doing. And, besides, Harriet will be the first to tell you she's been a fan of Judges Judy and Roy Brown since they first aired. She has a closet full of robes, and she has already sent them all out to be dyed black so they'll go with the rest of the guys and gals already serving on the Supreme Court. She's also begun her search in earnest for a gavel worthy of her "bulldog" grip. eBay look out! The winning bid just might be Harriet's!

So she's never been married. So what?! Lots of successful ladies have never married. Well, until recently, that is…like Rosie and Ellen and the Bush twins. Apparently, Harriet is the antithesis of Will Rogers; guess she never met a man she liked! Says she was to busy. Doing what (or whom), she doesn't say. But that's a plus. She won't be pushed around by overbearing masculinity, and she obviously knows how to get along with the girls. Makes you wonder, though, about her views on homosexuality, gay marriage and AIDS-related stem cell research. But those are old ideas and probably won't even come up while she'd be on the bench anyway, so who cares, right?!

Accused of being a "stealth" nominee, Harriet scoffs at such nonsense. "I've got nothing to hide…well, okay, I was hoping I'd get confirmed so the robe would hide what once was a girlish figure but now is a sagging, wrinkled, mirror-cracking disappointment." But she promises that her "beauty inside" will shine through in the decisions she'll render, though whether she's a gender bender is yet to be determined.

Lastly, don't fault her for being a close and personal friend of the president. In the first place, George W. is a lame duck. In the second place, there's no blue dress to worry about. And odds are the oil stains from the war on terror will all come out in the wash, so Harriet wouldn't be able to do him much good in the long run.

So, let the nice lady be a judge. Isn't it time her lucky number finally came up?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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