Washington, D.C. - The Social Security Administration has just announced a new plan to pay recipients their monthly checks according to their astrological sign. While this may appear to be a highly unusual decision on the part of the SSA, the government is desperate to salvage the sinking program which is rapidly going bankrupt.
A hush-hush study was commissioned which until now has been kept under wraps. Several top officials who preferred to remain anonymous feared that the "Social-Astrologically Staggered Payment Plan" would be ridiculed by the American people. However, with dwindling reserves in the Social Security fund, there was simply no choice but to implement the astrological plan immediately.
This reporter managed to obtain a rudimentary outline of the SASPP which had been thrown in the trash behind the Health and Human Services building. It had not been shredded by clerical staff, who apparently never thought it would actually be passed into law and thus felt no need to hide it from prying eyes.
Here's the basics of what all Americans 62 or older will soon need to do. First, the government advises that you should immediately check your birth date. Many people have no idea what "sign" they are. Probably the last time you were asked "Hey, what's your sign, baby?" was during the disco era when this was a standard pick up line popular with men who resembled John Travolta, wore very tight pants, gold chains, were sporadically employed and still lived at home with their mother.
But if you already know what your sign is, you are advised to write it down and put it in a special file for safekeeping. Don't lose it! You're 62 or older and the possibility of losing stuff is rather high. You won't be able to get anything whatsoever done through any government offices in the future without this crucial piece of astro data. You'll need this information continuously at your fingertips to receive your check on the appropriate date.
Here's the payment schedule as per the SASSP: (remember, don't lose it!)
ARIES - Lucky people born under the sign of Aries will receive their checks first, before everyone else. That's because Aries is the first sign of the zodiac on the celestial wheel of life, Numero Uno, Top Dog, etc. etc. The government will adhere strictly to approved astrological procedures. No ifs, ands, or buts. Citizens who feel it is unfair for Aries recipients to be first in line for their check can call an "Astro Payment Complaint Hotline" but will find that they are on hold for long periods of time and will give up and go away.
Taurus: Second in line for payment will be people born under the sign of Taurus, the Bull. Taureans are known to be rather patient and easygoing individuals. The government has stated that they do not expect an inordinate amount of "trouble" from this sign sector of the populace. Usually, as long as Taurus finally has cash in their hot little hands, they are happy.
Payments will be made in order until the last sign (Pisces> receives their check. Pisceans being DEAD LAST on the wheel of life, are often drunk, disoriented, confused or otherwise involved in irresponsible behavior so they may not even know they have received their checks. Or they may claim that they "lost" their check and never received it (honesty is not the Pisces strong point). They often sleep a lot or party into the wee hours of the morning. The administration is ready to assist with special situations such as the Pisces may present. Mental health counselors will help each astrological sign to make a good adjustment to the staggered payment plan.
A government official who wished to remain "off the record" stated that there is special concern about Scorpios. While acknowledging that there are "many lovely Scorpios in this world of ours" he warned that Scorpios tend to be violent, aggressive, jealous, and nasty, with a tendency to form underground revolutionary groups. A Social Security "Scorpio Task Force" is in place to head off any perceived problems with this group of potential troublemakers.
So, there you have it. All in all, it appears to be a workable plan to get Social Security back on track. I especially like it - I'm an Aries, first first first!