Washington -- On the heels of his indictment for violating campaign finance laws, fomer House Majority Leader Tom DeLay today offered a stunning endorsement of fresh-scent TIDE detergent for money laundering. "Whether it's the stench of corruption, palms that have been greased by corporate contributors, or pork barrel spending spilled on your Benjamins, TIDE works best," according to DeLay.
DeLay admitted having not actually done any laundry since college, but said "The little people, the ones who launder all my bills for me, they say that it takes less TIDE than any other detergent to get them clean enough to pass a Senate Subcommittee."
Dick Cheney, who allowed energy company representatives to draft this nation's energy policy, reportedly also used TIDE to help scrub the resulting energy bill "squeaky clean." According to Dick, "To drill in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge could make a horrible mess. But with TIDE, and a few hand towels, why, in a few months or years it would barely be noticeable."
Captain Al Hazelwood, former CEO of the Exxon Valdez, agreed: "You leave an oil slick 100 miles long, you're gonna need a strong detergent to clean up the mess. And the new Mountain Air scent really appeals to those Intuit indians. Lord knows how many times I've soiled myself after falling asleep at the wheel, drunk as a skunk, and yet, using TIDE, nobody needs to know."
Worries that counterfeiters, or Mafiosa might use TIDE to launder money are "unjustified" according to outgoing Economist Alan Greenpeace. "When you've got loan sharking, prostitution, and drugs, who needs a washing machine to launder money? Cash is basically untraceable. Laundering money requires a paper trail like the one that brought down Martha Stewart to be detectable. We're talking corporate corruption, not CSI.
Vowing that he will "Continue to soil" this nation even as he was being stripped of his majority leadership, DeLay commented "Giving money to Nicaraguan rebels, or the Contra's, well, that could stain just about any Republican administration. And don't tell me all that blood we're giving Halliburton doesn't need a good washing. Crude oil is nasty stuff. All I can say is "Thank goodness for TIDE."