WASHINGTON - Having successfully repressed her alleged lesbian urges for ten years in a row, Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers has received a long sought-after certificate from Exodus International Ministries proclaiming her an "official cured lesbian," and this honor has led to her congratulatory appointment to the Supreme Court from friend and co-worker President George W. Bush.
"Harriet Miers has spent countless evenings with Laura and me, been a frequent sleepover guest at Camp David and Crawford Ranch, and she knows how to wear a field coat and wield a chainsaw with the best of ‘em," Bush said. "Laura wanted a woman and, by God, I've given her a woman."
Miers, an accomplished Internet researcher for the White House and hostess of "Ask The President" on the WhiteHouse.gov website, has been dismissed by some lawmakers who cite that she has never written any opinions nor sat on any bench.
"She has written many opinions on our website, and she is also very adept at answering questions, so the confirmation process should go very smoothly, said Bush. "And during a recent Rose Garden party, she dispensed Kool-Aid to guests while seated on a garden bench."
The majority of Republicans and Democrats are cheering the Miers nomination.
"The fact she is a lesbian pleases Democrats, and the fact she is a non-practicing lesbian pleases Republicans," said Senator Bill Frist, a former cat murderer now under investigation for insider trading. "She offers both parties exactly what they want."
Although Miers is an alleged former lesbian, many of her advocates say it's near impossible that she could "fall off the wagon," a spokesperson from Exodus Ministries told reporters.
"She has taken the non-lesbian oath," he continued, "and she's lost all her sexual libido due to menopause, so we feel confident that Harriet will remain a non-practicing lesbian as long as we can keep her away from Angelina Jolie."
Miers long list of former lovers allegedly includes Eleanor Roosevelt, Marlene Dietrich, Pat Carroll, Doris Day, and in a May-December romance during a 1982 Louisiana Mardi Gras, Ellen DeGeneres.
"Justice John Roberts has proven that homosexuals can swear off that dirty sex," Karl Rove told reporters earlier in the day. "He got married to a woman and adopted some kids - if that's not 100% non-practicing homosexuality, I don't know what is."