Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Old People, Old Age

Friday, 15 April 2011

image for World's Oldest Man, Walter Breuning, Dead
Helge: she's glad he's dead

Walter Breuning, who up until last Thursday, was the world's oldest man at 114 years old, has died due to an undisclosed illness after, allegedly, ignoring expert medical advice.

Breuning spent the last month of his life in a Great Falls hospital, said Stacey Kibble, spokeswoman for the Rainbow Senior Living retirement home where he lived. She said:

"He was warned that if he didn't take more care of himself, then he wouldn't live forever. He sat there thinking in his armchair for so long, totally inactive, eating only two meals a day, and always retired to his room during the early afternoon for a sleep which lasted until the next morning. No exercise at all. Now, you just try telling me that's good for anyone, and I won't believe you."

Other residents at the home agreed. Helge Hitler, who claims to be "almost 100", said:

"He was always trying to look up my skirt, the rat. Of course, he could never see anything, as I routinely wear layer-after-layer of protective urine-absorbent underwear. I'm glad he's dead."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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