President George W. Bush, the same man who appointed a pig as Secretary of Agriculture (Arnold ZIffel of Green Acres fame) and a duck as Assistant Director of FEMA (The AFLAC Insurance Spokesduck) has done it again. This morning, in a surprise announcement, he appointed Jerry Springer to direct the Hurricane Rita relief in the Texas and Louisiana areas.
"A lot of these people identify with Jerry. They watch his show every day from their single wides and double wides," said the President. "I'm sure that he will be able to use the same empathy and understanding with them that he uses on his talk show guests every day."
"Jerry also used to be a politician when he was the Honorable Mayor of Cincinatti, Ohio. I'm sure that he will bring honor and civility to the clean up efforts."
"My father and President Clinton are doing a bang up job raising money for Katrina relief. I just don't feel that I can take them away from that. We have shifted some of their funds to Jerry so that he can begin efforts to rebuild in the Port Arthur and Orange, Texas areas."
"Besides that, his show is in reruns now anyways and I wouldn't do this if they were new. Some of my cabinet doesn't like interrupting meetings to watch his show every day, but I feel that the kind acts of charity her performs need to be shown to all men and women everywhere. SInce it's just reruns now, I can tape those and watch them later, even though I've already seen 'em a couple of times."
Credit card receipts showed that Jerry Springer's first purchase was several cases of beads. When asked to explain how homeless people need beads instead of food, blankets, clothing, or basic toiletries, he explained that "women want to feel pretty. The ones who are out there showing off their who-who's because they haven't got a top or a bra need something to make them feel that they are all made up and ready to go out on the town. We have discovered that otherwise normal women will do anything, and I do mean anything, on my show just to get a string of beads."
When asked why he felt that the President chose him to manage the relief and rebuilding effort, Springer said that "these people know and trust me. I come into their trailers every day on their television sets and help real people with real problems. They chant my name every where I go."
Asked about his plans to restore normalcy to the area, he explained that "I first need to assemble a team. I figure that if I can find some women who hook on the side, a few johns, a pimp or two, a couple of secret lesbians, a few people who just got out of jail, a dominatrix, a few fatties, a midget or two, a couple of cross dressers, some granny lovers, some cradle robbers, and a couple of child molesters, I'll be able to make a good start."
"We'll have our first meeting and televise it so that everyone can see what we are planning. I'll bring Steve and the rest of my security team with me to protect our investigators."
The Spoof plans to publish minutes of that initial team meeting and strategy session when it occurs.