In a hastily called press conference held this morning President Obama came out of the closet and admitted that he's Republican.
"I can't fight it anymore. I've been covering up who I really am my whole political life," the President said.
The assembled press corp feigned shock while the majority of Americans, now completely bereft of any kind of belief in their government at all, slumped their shoulders and lowered their heads in defeat.
The president then harangued the assembled press corp with Republican talking points, his face red with rage, spittle flying from his lips, in am manner typical of conservative speakers.
"This weekend, when I caved in yet again to the Republican party without a fight, I realized that all these urges to bomb Middle Eastern countries, cut taxes on the wealthy, and abandon the constituency that voted for me weren't perverted desires needing repressing but the sum total of who I really am.
"For years I've been pretending to myself that I care about the poor, the sick, the downtrodden of our society. But they don't get you elected, the rich do. They helped me get this job."
Unstunned Americans yawned at the unsurprising news.
"So what else is new?," said former Democrat Kate Drew of Lexington, MA. "He's just gotten more and more flamboyant every day. I think he's the only person in America who thought he was still in the closet."
Ted Knightly of Hicksville, KY agreed. "Oh yeah, he kind of covered it up until he was elected. But God, he just seemed so eager to please the Republicans on everything. He bent over backwards for them, or at least bent over."
Reggie Smith of Portland, OR summed it up succinctly when he said, "The guy's a total flamer. I only would have been surprised if he came out and affirmed he was a Democrat."