WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After being arrested for civil disobedience for refusing to move from a sidewalk on Pennsylvania Avenue, anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan was sent to Guantanamo Bay.
The White House was quick to release the details and results of the impromptu investigation, which was later revealed to have taken place in Vice President Cheney's top secret military bunker.
"Ms. Sheehan was found to be in the possession of several articles that have allowed the United States government to file additional charges almost immediately following her arrest for civil disobedience outside the White House gate," said Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff.
Chertoff continued, saying that Sheehan had the other bloody glove from the O.J. Simpson trial, as well as a bloody shirt that matched several articles of Natalee Halloway's clothing FOX News host Sean Hannity had bought from the Aruban police during their investigation in that case.
"As you can see from today's developments, Cindy Sheehan was not only a traitorous jezebel intent on destroying American values, she was also an on-the-run double murderer," Hannity said in a taped statement from his mobile Global War on Terror studio on a beach in Aruba.
Homeland Security officials also found several billion dollars in U.S. and Iraqi currency in Sheehan's purse. Experts are saying the funds could be the $9 billion or so that has gone missing from the Iraqi Treasury.
"In light of the monetary evidence discovered on Ms. Sheehan, the Security Exchange Commission is also suspending its investigation into Sen. Bill Frist, who we now believe has been framed by the suspect as some kind of vast left wing conspiracy," said SEC chairman Christopher Cox. "Of course, this is great news, because I had been scheduled to play golf with Bill later today, and I didn't want to have to lie about it and say I was fighting white collar crime all afternoon."
Military spokesmen could not give a definitive answer as to what Sheehan should expect at GITMO, but were able to promise reporters that there would probably be "plenty of pictures" that may or may not be taken by recently convicted Army Reservist Lyndie England.