After a particularly heavy clobbering at the hands of the media, Hollywood Legend and piss-artist, actor Mel Gibson, has decided to call it a day with a once-in-a-lifetime selfless gesture which will shock his many fans. "I just need to stop being a basket case" he said. "This will put an end to all my troubles once and for all."
And some of ours as well, Mel, count on it.
Looking totally and completely wrecked after a particularly heavy seventy-two hour rampage on the booze with other A-list chums - those that are left, that is - he declared "I just can't go on embarrassing my long-suffering wife and family, not to mention the whole of Australia. It's got to stop."
And so say all of us, Mel.
The plan then is to have himself ritually beheaded by edgy Japanese swordmaster Mukuku Pakaka. Although possessing a name reminiscent of a sputtering BSA Bantam motorbike, Pakaka will use a traditional samurai sword (nowadays manufactured under licence in Beijing) and Gibson has already signed a disclaimer to ensure that Pakaka will not be arrested for manslaughter. Or should that be man's_laughter? It will after all be a hilarious event rather than a sad one as the aforementioned Mr Gibson is nowadays incapable of taking anything seriously.
No change there then, Mel.
Prior to the actual event next Monday, Gibson will do the rounds of all his favourite haunts and watering-holes, preparing himself mentally by snorting repeated lines of coke and downing copious amounts of alcohol. This will of course render him numb and senseless and he will not feel any pain because he will be pretty much gonzo when the blade falls.
In that, at least, he has had more than enough practice.
His one remaining friend, actress Jodie "the method" Foster, has already accepted Mel's shaky handwritten invitation to attend the ceremony and is apparently "not a bit concerned" that she will inevitably suffer blood spatter on her Mia Morgan outfit if she decides to hold Mel's hand. "I have plenty of designer clothes" she said "but there is only one Mel Gibson."
And I'm sure we'd all raise our glasses to that.
"I'm also into reality, thank you" said Jodie coyly, in her tried and tested Clarice Starling Southern white-trash accent, "and I'm doing this for Mel. Someone's got to take care of him during his last moments on the planet, and that person will be me." She later added, twice as coyly, "I'm not doing this for my own personal publicity you know although as they say, any publicity is better than none."
Perhaps not in this case, dear.
After Mel's body is refused entry to his homeland by eagle-eyed Aussie immigration officials, as it surely will be based on their legitimate concerns over his "mental instability, even though deceased", Miss Foster plans to have it stuffed and mounted. She will then display the preserved actor in the front window of her designer log-mansion in the Ozarks "as a deterrent" she said, still using her phony Clarice Starling accent.
"I don't want no hillbilly boys snooping around or greasing their poles in my back yard. They will just have to take their unhealthy and unwelcome obsession with my exceptionally private parts elsewhere."
The locals were quoted as saying "Hee-haw! Don't you worry yourself none about us mountain men missy Foster. We's already got more country pussy up here than we can shake a stick at."
Gibson of course, in his final starring role as Jodie's silent security guard, will finally have found his true vocation, and the level of employment a man of his character always merited.