Washington,D.C. - President Barack Obama, sporting a noticable puance and an impressive set of man-boobs,has warned the nation that "the evil force of gravity is conspiring against the United States." He then vowed that he would use every possible means to fight gravity, including the use of military force.
Hopping on one foot, White House spokesman, Katie Couric, confirmed that the president had indeed ordered all members of the armed forces to defy gravity. Both inside and outside the military, the order to defy gravity has been met with strong resistance.
"Is he out of his frickin' mind?!" exclaimed Gunnery Sergeant Vince Carter, USMC. "It's hard enough doing a 20 mile hike with 80 pounds of gear on your back. What the heck does he want us to do? Sprout wings?"
Meanwhile the president's entire cabinet has been wrestling with how to comply with the order. Mostly with mixed results. "You've never seen so many people hopping on one foot." exclaimed Czar Czar, Jar Jar Binks, speaking through an interpreter. "and when President Obama enters the room? The whole place jumps. You should see our cabinet meetings these days. It's like a scene from "The Matrix"!"
Speaking at a commencement ceremony at West Point the next day, Mr. Obama clarified the statement he made the previous evening: "Although ordinary citizens are not required to defy gravity. They are strongly encouraged to do so."
Immediately following that four hour long speech, several cadets were seen jumping off bridges. Mostly with mixed results.