CRAWFORD, TX-President George W. Bush has taken unusual protective measures in anticipation of the arrival of Hurricane Rita to the south Texas shores. Being military Commander-in-Chief, the President has ordered approximately 1,500 troops returning from combat duty in Iraq and Afghanistan to batten down the hatches at the Bush Family compound. Furthermore, the president has issued "Shoot to Kill" orders to the troops, who are said to be heavily armed and a bit more than a little pissed at being ordered to the president's latest fiasco, dubbed ‘Operation Autumn Storm.'
While Crawford and its surrounding landscape is not expected to suffer extensively from the effects of the ‘Hurricane du jour' bearing down on the western Gulf of Mexico region, President Bush boldly proclaimed, "We cain't be too careful in situations like this present one which we're in right now. Texas is big, it's large and it's vast. But so is Hurricane Rita. And our military is big and strong and mighty and powerful. I've taken this unprecedented step in dealing with this unruly, unGodly weather pattern with brute force, military force, mighty might." The president's speechwriters having been previously evacuated, the presidents pronouncement was rather obviously off-the-cuff, if not undoubtedly over-the-edge.
When asked why military forces were being used a fair distance from the actual storm front, the president defended his decision pragmatically. "Crawford is destined to be a shrine to my dynasty, to the greatness I have achieved in my lifetime and the legend I have become. We cain't have that messed up at all, in any way, no-how."
Asked how giving up their duly earned and well deserved military leave at home with family and friends after months of arduous, hard fought wartime duty, servicemembers offered a spectrum of reactions to the sudden change in orders.
Army Colonel Tommy Gunn, placed in charge of the Operation Autumn Storm contingent, offered an understandably terse response. "Aw, hell, my wife ran off with a draft-dodgin' Democrat, I got sand in my crotch and I kinda got to really like killing indiscriminately. So, this is just what I need to stay sharp, stay on top, kill, kill kill!"
Airman Indie Ozone chose a non-oral gesture to sum up her sentiments. She did, however, hold up her fingers to show all the nails she broke at her most recent mountainous desert assignment. We can reasonably expect her to suffer further appearance atrocities from Hurricane Rita, the least of which would be windblown hair and waterlogged complexion.
"I serve my country, I serve my president, I serve three meals a day, no matter if it's in Iraq or the good old USA," activated National Guardsman and local McDonald's assistant manager Philip D. Sax proudly proclaimed. Fast food restaurants, it turns out, are actually planned as shelters from the storm, for their architectural integrity as well as their fast food favorites.
President Bush sees the latest meteorological campaign as one that should bolster his sagging popularity statistics. Chances are better than average that Hurricane Rita will be defeated on his watch, whether by military intervention or geographic exhaustion. With an Operation Autumn Storm victory under his belt, we're left to wonder what sort of ‘snow jobs' the crafty Commander-in-Chief might have up his sleeve to belie his ‘lame duck' departure from office.