Written by Lang Syne
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Tuesday, 22 March 2011

A move is afoot to persuade Staten Islanders to secede not just from New York City and New York State but from the entire United States.

A referendum was to be held to cut ties with New York City, but Giovanni O'Malley, leader of the referendum movement, stated yesterday, at a meeting of the organizers at the only Irish Italian tavern on Staten Island (O'Malley's), that they needed to go the whole nine yards and "just get the hell out of the country altogether".

Some dissenters suggested that O'Malley, after fifteen pints of Guinness and approximately, thirty Sambucas, to remind him of his mother's heritage, should not be taken seriously, particularly when his statements were uttered as he lay prone under one of the restaurant tables.

Others, however, enthused at the idea, have decided to move forward and rally as many as they can to the cause. Word on the street is that overtures will be made to the Italian and Irish governments for sponsorship to the European Union.

Tolls that were collected on the Staten Island bridges will be abolished and those Islanders exiled in Brooklyn and New Jersey who could not afford the return toll home, will be granted amnesty and refuge in the soon to be created Republic of Staten Island.

Giovanni O'Malley can be reached by phone on any day, but only up to 1pm.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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