Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 22 March 2011

image for US Fighter Jet Crash in Libya Blamed on Pilot Gas

Hoping to assure the American public that the US fighter jet enforcing the Libya no fly zone was not shot down by enemy forces, a spokesman for the joint UN operation declared that it was simply a "mechanical failure". That was until data from the in-flight recorder was recovered and extremely high levels of Methane were found in the cockpit, contributing to a pilot black out.

Captain Max "Cast Iron" Kolonik, pilot for the carrier based Tomcat fighter admitted that he was suffering from extreme gastro-intestinal distress during flight operations preceding the crash. "My guts felt like they were about to explode", says Kolonik. "As soon as I was ordered to bank right and head west of Fallujah, I pulled a 7G turn and it all blew out at once. I remember it sounding like a truck tire with a massive leak. Then I passed out".

Flight data supports Kolonik's claims, listing his last radio transmission as, "Thank God for 7G turns. I feel much better nowwwww". Kolonik could not be hailed on his radio for another 15 seconds, and then found himself in a flat spin heading for the ground. He ejected just before impact.

Doctors released Kolonik after testing him for methane poisoning, also recommending that his flight suit be destroyed due to the overwhelming stench of burnt broccoli and liver that embedded the fabric. "I'll never mix tabouli, hummus and falafel with tequila again", says Kolonik. "At least not in advance of being confined to a cockpit, car, or football stadium for that matter".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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