Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Thursday, 17 March 2011

image for Waterboarding Fails To Make Terrorist Chimp Chat: Doesn't Squeal On Bin Laden
Chimp Won't Chat

Jihad, the simian expatriot from the Orangutan Rehab Center in Sumatra, who was captured while attempting to board a flight from Honolulu to LAX a couple of weeks ago, is now a detainee in the GITMO facility that is presently being used to house dangerous Muslim terrorists captured in Afghanistan and Iraq by Coalition forces.

Claiming he was on his way to his tenth class reunion in Detroit, Jihad was nabbed by Homeland Security officials in Honolulu who felt he fit the terrorist profile disseminated by Janet Napolitano. Although not as tall as most homo sapiens, other than pgymy dwarfs, his facial features and abundant body hair made him a prime suspect in the war against terror.

Caged in a 10x12 cell among hundreds of other suspected terrorists, Jihad had bamboozled the BCST (Behavioral Science Consultation Team) assigned to debrief him. Speaking in a dialect that so far they have not been able to quantify, the hirsute chimp squeaked and grunted through hours and hours of intense interrogation without giving up any information remotely connected to Al Queda or bin Laden.

Suspecting that Jihad may have undergone SERE (Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape) training prior to his capture, CIA operatives decided to strap him onto a waterboard and soften him up a tad. This was a real "rumble in the jungle" for the beleaguered orangutan, but he prevailed. Not only did he not spill the beans about bin Laden, he changed history.

For years the ACLU and the pinko-liberal bleeding hearts, as personified by the Obama Administration, have been trying to close this facility because they felt that the terrorists were being deprived of their constitutional right to kill us. Ironically, it was animal rights protesters who stepped in and demanded the facility be closed because of the alleged unethical torture of Jihad the Chimp.

The moral of this story is that if you treat terrorists like humans, some monkey will make you pay dearly for it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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