Written by Katarina Frogpond2
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Wednesday, 16 March 2011

image for How to Lose Ten Pounds In the Style of Christina Aguilera
It has to be a British 10 pound note. This coin won't do.

Christina Aguilera is rumoured to have lost ten pounds recently and there is much speculation as to how she achieved this amazing loss.

Last night the much respected Holywood Dietitic Scientist,Dr Jahn, revealed to us exclusively how he thinks she did it. Below are Dr Jahn's instructions so you can lose ten pounds, too.

First of all Dr Jahn told us that you have to go to the bank and exchange 15 dollars for a lovely British 10 pound note. He particularly stressed at this point that the currency does have to be British. Dollars and Francs just don't sound the same when you tell people that you've lost them.

Next Dr Jahn said that you have to go to a party, and take a bottle of sauvignon blanc with you. It doesn't have to be a fancy party, it can just be any party. But it must include a place where you can check in your coat and your handbag.

The next thing you do is dance the night away, whilst drinking all of the bottle of Sauvignon blanc. Then when that bottle is finished, you have to go find someone else's bottle of plonk and drink that too. Dr Jahn says that this is an absolutely essential part of the exercise. This experiment just doesn't work if you've only had the one bottle. You really have to try and make the effort to have two.

Obviously you'd think that the next step would be just to go home without picking up the handbag containing the 10 pound note. But Dr Jahn states that, that's where you'd be wrong, because the next step is to get in the car and let your boyfriend drive you home.

At this point the ten pound note is still safely in the handbag, next to the keys and the credit card. But when the police arrive and stop your car, you have to give the handbag to the policeman to be searched, and only at this point is it acceptable to lose the ten pound note.

It doesn't matter how you lose it, you just have to make sure you definitely can't find it by the time the policeman hands the handbag back to you. Its not acceptable for it just to fall on the floor and for you to ignore it. No. Dr Jahn says that it has to be totally gone.

The next step that Dr Jahn says is essential, is to be taken away by the policeman, so you don't have a chance to look for your lost ten pound note. Sometimes its helpful to be so drunk at this stage that you can't stand up. In particularly perfect circumstances, this might lead the policeman to think that you are incapable of looking after yourself and declare that he has no choice but to lock you up for the night for your own safety.

Once you arrive at the police station you've achieved your aim. You've successfully lost that stubborn 10 pounds. At this point Dr Jahn says its time to celebrate because you've now earned the right to shout "I've lost 10 pounds. I've lost 10 pounds."

It is possible that people might stand up at this point and clap. But that's okay they just want to tell you how proud they are of you. They might tell you that you look great, and then they might also want to take your photo.

And that, apparently, is how you lose 10 in one night, the Christina Aguilera way.

Because it wasn't the usual way a dietetic would tell you to lose 10 pounds, Katarina Frogpond (that's me) felt it was necessary to ask Dr Jahn if he really was a Dietetic Scientist. He said that, actually, no he wasn't. But he was an expert in losing the pounds.

He used to be a banker. A bad banker. He lost 80 million pounds for his last employer and would like to help more people lose more pounds in the future. I wished him luck. He definitely seems to know what he's talking about.

By Katarina Frogpond.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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