Written by TomFoolery
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Topics: Democrats, Research

Sunday, 18 September 2005

LOS ANGLES, CA (Barnes & Noble)-Hoping to replenish dwindling membership in the Democratic Party, leading American liberal Democrats have just announced the results of over 200 years of politico-horticultural research and experimentation on the origin of the liberal species. Now available for a nominal fee from bookstores crazy enough to stock it is the soon-to-be best-smeller ‘how-to' for the morbidly curious, entitled The Complete Idiot's Guide: How To Grow A Liberal.

Though the entire process is extremely time consuming, tedious, complicated and seemingly cruel and inhuman, a promotional brochure obtained by SpoofNews briefly outlines the fundamentals. Apparently, the best liberal candidates are those born to at least one parent with overt liberal tendencies, and selection is made even easier if the maternal parent is kept at home in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant. If the paternal parent is educationally challenged, welfare dependent and politically unaware, the chances for liberal development is significantly increased.

However, even if born into an environment of moral turpitude, personal and civic conscience and in the presence of conservative education, fiscal responsibility and global thinking, it is still possible to physically and psychologically "prepare" a genetically predisposed conservative neonate for liberal mutation. This can be initiated simply by using the label "victim" in as many instances as possible and using those who are better off to reinforce the myth of the "haves" and "have-nots."

From infancy to adolescence, freethinking should be restricted to daily doses of generic liberal doctrinaire, media hyperbole worship and Democrat drivel. Early motor skills development can be easily accomplished through a regular exercise regimen to include finger pointing, cat kicking and shrugging off facts that don't fit the fallacy. Maturity can be delayed significantly by being kept in the dark and fed liberal quantities of manure, and it doesn't really matter if it's chicken, horse or bull. Stifling ambition will ensure minimum earnings opportunities. Perpetual pessimism programming will help prevent the possibility of developing a sense of self worth and a feeling of being a part of upwardly mobile society.

But, far and away, he best ways to grow a liberal: take God out of the home, the school and the courtroom; twist, stretch and contort the Constitution and Bill of Rights beyond recognition; condemn wealth based on merit, praise the power of tax increases; demand that justice favor the so-called downtrodden; expect morality to be determined by legislation; preach blind hate of all Republicans, conservatives and patriots.

The Democratic National Convention is a breeding ground for neo-liberals as well as perennials. The Supreme Court is teeming with them. Congress is infested with them, and they're running loose in the general population. They tend to flock together and feed off mutual ignorance. Fully-grown liberals can easily be identified by their moans, whining and blame shifting. They're more than willing to offer tips and tricks, especially the old smoke-and-mirrors technique.

You can be the first on your block to grow and raise a liberal...but not if you want America to remain the Land of the Brave and the Home of the Free.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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