BOULDER, CO - An elderly couple on their way from Boulder to Durango lost control of their 2008 Ambassador recreational vehicle on a mountainside and rolled over while unsuccessfully negotiating a sharp curve, tumbling forty feet to the bottom of a steep cliff to their deaths early this afternoon. Authorities quickly responded to a call from witnesses who were behind the vehicle and saw the accident as it occurred.
Based on word from the RV park in which the couple had been staying, police have gathered that they were on their way to another park in Durango, where they had made reservations just yesterday. Ralph Ivan Pichetto, 81, and his wife Roberta Irene Pichetto, 80, both originally from Trenton, New Jersey, were pronounced dead at the scene. Mechanical failure does not appear to be a factor in the accident, and police seem to think they know why.
"We received a statement from witnesses following behind the RV that it was traveling erratically, moving from left to right and back several times before it approached the curve where the accident happened." Sgt. Stephen Bassett, Colorado State Trooper, said in a press release. "It looked to them like the driver was under the influence of something."
The people who saw the vehicle go over the embankment called 911. A police officer and an ambulance crew, both of whom happened to be very close to the scene after having completed another emergency call only moments earlier, immediately responded. Upon arrival, the rescue
team made their way down to the vicinity of the wrecked vehicle. They knew right away that there were probably no survivors.
Authorities reached the severely crumpled vehicle and broke out the Jaws of Life to pry open the side door. Once an opening wide enough for victims to be removed was made, they crawled in to check for any signs of life. As expected, none were found. The emergency crew located the lifeless pair clinging to one another but in a rather peculiar manner. "We discovered an elderly couple in the front of the vehicle twisted together like a pretzel." Bassett remarked. "The man was still strapped in the driver's seat with his pants and underwear pulled down around his ankles."
"The man's wife, presumably, was found in a postion that would indicate that she had been performing oral sex on him just before and perhaps during the accident." Bassett appeared uncomfortable as he described the unusual scene. "She was clutching her dentures in one hand, the gearshift in the other, and the man's penis was still in her mouth. It looked like she hung on for dear life every way she could."
The elderly pair had been staying at the Forest Creek RV Park on State Highway 143 just outside Boulder for the past month and had made a few friends during their visit there. "They were such nice people, a cute couple...very affectionate with each other." one park guest commented. "I wish my husband and I will be like that when we get to be their age. I'm so sorry they are gone."
Mary Stengel, the park manager at Forest Creek, agreed implicitly. "We enjoyed their visit very much. Mr. and Mrs. Pichetto were a great pair to have around. They had an adorable sign on the rear of their RV that said 'R.I.P. and R.I.P Until We R.I.P.' They were definitely still in love...you could hear them showing their love for one another every night all the way across the park. Very passionate! We will definitely miss them."
State Trooper Bassett saw a silver lining even in something terrible like this. "If there is any consolation to be found in this tragedy, it lies in the fact that the wife was giving her husband oral sex without her dentures being in her mouth at the time." Bassett remarked when asked by reporters about the accident as the bodies arrived at the morgue about an hour later. "Had her teeth been in, she probably would have bitten the thing clean off. That would've been the last thing the man felt when he died. Instead, the only mark found was a narrow ring of red lipstick around the base of his organ. What a way to go!"
Autopsies will be performed on both of the victims to determine the exact cause of their deaths. Initially, the impact of the forty-foot fall is expected to be the official cause, but authorities suspect something else. "We think that Mr. Pichetto might have suffered cardiac arrest as a result of the felatio being performed on him at the time of the accident." Dr. Melvin Cryer, Chief Medical Examiner at Boulder Memorial Hospital, was quoted as saying soon after receiving the bodies. "The vehicle he was driving was witnessed to be swerving back and forth before the death plunge, and that might indicate physical duress of some kind...or perhaps he was climaxing when they rounded that curve."
"As for Mrs. Pichetto," Dr. Cryer continued, "she probably died from the impact of the vehicle slamming into the ground, but we can't rule out a possible choking/drowning event, keeping in mind she did have something substantial in her mouth that could have become an obstruction on the way down. These are merely educated guesses, but only time will tell."
Mr. and Mrs. Pichetto apparently had no surviving next of kin, having outlived even their two unmarried children, and because their life's savings was invested in the RV, they didn't have much of anything to leave behind to anyone, anyway. The few possessions that could be salvaged from the wreckage will be donated to charity, and the insurance money paid for the total loss of their vehicle will be used to bury the pair.
A headstone has been ordered by Ms. Stengel back at Forest Creek RV Park to be placed at their double gravesite. The caption will read "Here lies R.I.P. and R.I.P., May We R.I.P. Together Forever." Stengel didn't know the couple very long, but they made a deep impression on her. "To think that these two shared something so rare in today's world, undying love for each other..that's the greatest blessing to have. Stengel adds this final observation: "At their ripe old age, to still have it working for them...that's terrific! Even after all these years, they still got it on like a couple of horny newlyweds!!"