Written by Shirley Knott
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Friday, 16 September 2005

image for President Bush New Orleans speech buttonholed as ineffective
Bush parties hardy at UN on Wednesday; misbuttons on Thursday.

After careful analysis of the Bush New Orleans speech footage by media sources and numerous fashion consultants and designers in New York, London, Los Angeles, and Paris, it has been confirmed that President George W. Bush addressed the nation on Thursday sporting an ill-buttoned shirt.

"I kept staring at him and thinking, ‘Something's not right,'" said fashion magnate Ralph Lauren from his studio in Manhattan. "Bush looked like a turtle, and then it dawned on me that he has misbuttoned his shirt. There is clearly an extra buttonhole visible on the left."

Lauren explained that he "immediately got on the phone and formed an ad hoc fashion committee to investigate the unequal distances of the top right and top left of the president's shirt."

Working throughout the night, Lauren and top fashion editors poured over the New Orleans speech footage using state-of-the-art measuring software, and the finally came to the conclusion that Lauren's hunches were correct. After NASA mathematicians were called in to confirm the committee's findings, it was decided that the president's extra buttonhole oversight would be revealed to the nation.

Working in tandem with Lauren's group, FOX News was the first to nationally break the fashion faux pas, with Bill O'Reilly rendered speechless, a first in his career. After regaining his composure, O'Reilly postured that perhaps he "had been wrong about George W. Bush."

"I apologize to my viewers for ever having supported that goofball," said O'Reilly during his broadcast. "As the finest reporter in America, I should have spotted the error myself."

Polls from CNN, NBC, CBS and ABC news confirmed that nearly 94% of Americans felt that national security was severely threatened if President Bush didn't even know how to dress himself properly for a major event.

An aide in the White House who spoke on condition of anonymity confirmed that the president dressed himself on Thursday evening over the stern objections of presidential advisor, Karl Rove.

"Turd Blossom was steaming," said the aide. "At first he thought that perhaps President Bush had looted some bar stock from the French Quarter nearby Jackson Square, and that's why he was incapable of correctly buttoning his shirt, but then it was discovered that Bush was apparently still drunk from his visit to the U.N. on Wednesday."

House and Senate Republicans could not be reached for comment.

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