Written by b kenneth mcgee
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Topics: Newt Gingrich

Friday, 11 March 2011

Newt Gingrtch called a press conference today to quell the discomfort of many evangelical Christians regarding his past marital infidelities.

He opened by saying, "In my head and in my heart I am a true conservative. It's my dick that's been a liberal. For this, I truly repented and asked God's forgiveness."

Gingrich looked at the assembled and into the cameras. He brushed a tear from his eye and continued:

"It was in 1963 and I heard the speech of Dr. Martin Luther King. I didn't pay it much attention, but when he said, 'I have a dream' you know who heard it and a stirring started that a sinner could not resist. Then 'Free at Last' took on a new meaning for you-know-who, and, well, you know the rest. The fact is, I loved my country above my waist more than I did below it. I wasn't standing up for the right thing!"

Gingrich gripped the podium and spoke slowly, "Well, as I have grown older, I have learned the true meaning of what it is to be an evangelical and a true Christian. I sin no more and my life is devoted to a higher cause. I stand before you a new man and a contrite sinner whom God has forgiven." His voice quavered slightly and he concluded, "I remain faithful to my dearest wife forever more," he paused and concluded, "I sin no more!"

As he turned to leave the podium, Gingrich turned back, winked slightly and said, "Unless, of course, she gets sick!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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