Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 10 March 2011

image for Arkansas Outlaws Adult Male Ponytails
Arkansas resident Bobby Billy "Bubba" Butterspoon after getting his ponytail cut off.

LITTLE ROCK - The Arkansas State Legislature has just passed a bill banning adult males over the age of 21, from wearing ponytails.

The bill was first proposed by Senator Cottonwood Foxfrick, who pointed out that he recently attended a Foxfrick family reunion in Fayetteville, and noticed that of the 27 males over the age of 21, who were in attendance, 6 wore their hair in a ponytail.

The senator said that his grandfather, Wilcox Bob "Fuzzy" Foxfrick, who fought at Guadalcanal during World War II, took him off to the side and expressed to him in no uncertain terms that he did not spend weeks in that mosquito-infested, hell-hole of a cesspool so that his male descendants could walk around looking like Doris Day with sideburns and goatees.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Or to use a much more modern example, Sandra Bullock.]

Senator Foxfrick thought about it for a while and told his grandfather that he totally agreed with him and that he himself has always wondered why a fully grown man, with a wife, a bunch of young'uns (kids), a nice truck, a fairly decent trailer house, and an insatiable love for beer would want to walk around looking like his four-year-old daughter.

When the senator took his cousin Bubba Joe "Bubba" Grouchworthy off to the side and asked him why he wore his hair in a ponytail, "Bubba" answered because if he was (were) to let his hair down, he would look like a girl.

"Bubba" was asked if he didn't think that wearing his hair in a ponytail made him look kind of girly as well. He paused for a few moments, took a sip from his Lone Star Longneck Beer, spit out some chewing tabacky (tobacco) and answered, "Well no I reckon - now didn't that crazy barbaric barbarian from Guatemala Attila the Hun wear his hair in a ponytail?"

Senator Foxfrick informed him that Attila the Hun was born in Hungary and that he did not wear his hair in a ponytail. The senator remarked that he probably had him confused with that country music icon from Austin, Willie Nelson.

"Bubba" perked up and asked that if old Willie can wear his hair in a ponytail then why couldn't he.

He was told by the senator that back in the 60s Willie had actually received an official document from the governor of Texas informing him that he would be required to wear his hair in a ponytail or risk being arrested.


Senator Foxfrick told him that the reason was because Nelson's hair was so ugly looking that if he wore it loose he would not only scare little toddlers but he would also cause some of the older blue-haired female elderlies to physically get sick.

And so that is why the governor of Texas issued what came to be known as The State of Texas - Willie Nelson Ponytail Decree of 1961.

And now the state of Arkansas has just issued The Arkansas State Male Ponytail Bill of 2011.

The Arkansas state attorney general has issued a statement that all grown male citizens over the age of 21 will cut their ponytails by April 1, 2011 or face receiving a fine of up to $35,000 and possible incarceration in The Glen Campbell Arkansas State Prison in Hot Springs for a period of up to ten months.

One has to admire the gumption of the tiny anvil-looking state of Arkansas whose brand new vehicular license plate slogan for 2011 reads: "We'll Thank Ya Kindly To Ignore The Kissing Cousin Rumors."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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