WASHINGTON -- An anxious nation is holding it's breath as President George Bush steps up to take responsibility for the slow response to the Katrina disaster. The event will mark the first time in his life the president has accepted responsibility for anything, so it remains to be seen just exactly what the president will do.
A surprisingly positive poll released late this afternoon reveals that the nation is divided evenly between those that believe that Bush's response to Katrina was good, and those who think that Bush is a burned out coke head. A White House source says that President Bush is having a last minute meeting with Karl Rove to discuss whether he should actually go ahead with taking responsibility. Mr. Rove is of the opinion that if half the people are on Bush's side, the president ought to just tell the other half to go pound sand.
Since the responsibility idea was floated several days ago, the White House post office has been flooded with letters and packages from all over the country. "We have received hundreds of vials of hemlock, several loaded pistols, a few canisters of poison gas, and a genuine Japanese wakizashi. We told the president about all these recent gifts, and he said he would stop down to pick some of them up. The most popular thing being sent to the president are whips of all descriptions - leather whips, chains, maces, even big bull whips. Evidently there are a lot of Americans who think the best thing George Bush can do to improve his public image is to appear on national TV while flagellating himself."
When asked about the prospects of self-flagellation, President Bush said, "I promised Laura I would never do that again after she caught me in the study watching a ‘Girls Gone Wild' video… it was very embarrassing for me."
On the floor of the US Senate, a number of prominent Democrats suggested that they would be happy to volunteer to use the whip on President Bush if he could not do it himself. Senator Barbara Boxer claimed that she had first dibs on the studded bullwhip. Ted Kennedy is keeping a list which he says even includes a growing number of moderate Republicans.