Scientists and environmentalists believe that based on the stink emanating from Los Angeles Harbor, the amount of dead and decaying sardines and anchovies floating on the waters is approximately 45 tons.
Mayor Julio Schwartz of Los Angeles stated that the EPA, USDA and Department of the Interior are actively trying to discover the cause of this mass piscatorial fatality.
"In fact, "he went on, "They are all sitting down at a peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwich buffet next door. They had ordered a sushi and sashimi spread, but couldn't stomach it after they toured the harbor."
Meanwhile, at another press conference in Hollywood, Charlie Sheen chanted, "The stink in the harbor in no way, Jose, approaches the stink from the constipated carcasses making lame-ass decisions at CBS. It doesn't even come close to the stink rising from the OSU 'Stinko-phants' as they circle the wagons around 'Tricky' Tressel and protect his revenue-making butt. Me? I'm sitting down and having a tuna fish sandwich!"