Washington, DC - President Bush announced Wednesday that he was fully prepared to accept responsibility for the federal government's foot dragging in owning up to its own apathetic lethargy in the wake of hurricane Katrina.
"The government's main job is to figure out who screwed up what," Bush said at a press conference earlier today, "and heads should have rolled days ago. If we can't get off our rears and point some fingers, I don't even know what we're doing here. These people don't need debit cards and jobs, they need a scapegoat. It's my fault for taking so long to find one."
Fifteen days after the monstrous hurricane struck the gulf coast, the normally well oiled machine of political infighting and partisan bickering is just now starting to shift into gear. Some attribute the delay to needless concentration on the hurricane victims themselves, while others contend that it's just a case of late summer doldrums. Remarked one senator, "Well, it is damn hot out, and everyone's been kinda beat around here lately."
Nonetheless, Bush promised swift action, saying a bi-partisan body would be created to conduct an exhaustive search for proper candidates for an independent commission, set up to investigate the extent and nature of the government's failure to recognize its other failures with due speed. A congressional spokesman reported that while nomination discussions had yet to begin due to an intern botching several lunch orders, an investigation was underway and that the matter is expected to be resolved quite soon.
The president further admitted that the delay in doling out censure was the more egregious considering the wide field of candidates. "There's The Red Cross, the army corps of engineers, the mayor of new Orleans, that [FEMA director Michael] Brown guy," said Bush, counting on his fingers. "Hell, there's governments of three states I could have been bitching at all last week. The American people elected me to Washington to find out who covered their ass less good than the next guy, and give that person a stern talking to. Poo rolls downhill, and I'm supposed to help it roll faster." Added Bush, "I guess my mind was just on football, or something."
The White House is also taking steps to prevent such problems from occurring in the future. Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that preparations are already underway to assign responsibility to those agencies slated to mismanage the reconstruction of New Orleans and the relocation of refugees, and perhaps even preemptively fire certain department heads. By investigating weaknesses in federal emergency response procedures and communication channels now, the president hopes to be ready to pounce on screw-ups as they happen, instead of waiting days or weeks. Unsurprisingly, the main target was the opposition party. "For my money," said McClellan, "it's going to be the Democrats' fault next time, too. Don't ask me exactly how; we'll figure that out later. But we don't make the same mistakes twice. When the next disaster happens I can assure you that we'll be fully ready to blame them for lousing it up."