Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 5 March 2011

image for The Caretakers At The Alamo Hit With 17 Safety Violations
An actual photo of two Tennessee volunteers firing the Alamo's cannon. Unfortunately they hit the Alamo by mistake.

SAN ANTONIO - The Extremely Elderly Gals of The Republic of Texas, an organization made up mostly of blue-haired old ladies in their 70s, 80s, and 90s has been informed that their organization's landmark mission/fortress has been issued a total of 17 safety violations.

Wrigley "Cowpoke" Blumpkin, chief inspector with The Lone Star State Federation of Safety Violations, Infringements, and Oversights stated that this is the most safety infractions that the Alamo has received in the 175 years since the battle occurred there back in March of 1836.

Blumpkin noted that some of the citations were issued for things such as the cannon balls being allowed to rust to a point where they would actually have to be sent off to the Netherlands to be refurbished.

He also noticed a family of termites occupying one of the wheels of the cart that was used to transport a wounded Colonel James Bowie from the courtyard to his west corridor room.

And the Texas flag that flew over the Alamo appears to have red Magic Marker stains on the inside of the white lone star.

Mrs. Zelda Farkensheister, 97, assistant executive director of The Extremely Elderly Gals of The Republic of Texas refuted the charges by saying that The Lone Star State Federation of Safety Violations, Infringements, and Oversights was just being extremely picky.

She declared that Blumpkin and his group never liked the idea that a bunch of skinny, frail-looking, blue-haired old women could actually run the day-to-day operations of the old Spanish mission/fortress along with the souvenir gift shop and the McDonald's Restaurant located in the middle of the Alamo courtyard corral.

Blumpkin responded by saying that Farkensheister is so old she probably still remembers when there were only three Great Lakes instead of five.

Zelda countered by saying that Blumpky could kiss her 97-year-old blue-haired ass. Blumpkin almost instantly got physically sick just by picturing that horrible thought in his mind.

Mrs. Farkensheister was told that she has 48 hours to make the needed repairs or else she runs the risk of being arrested by the Texas Rangers and fined $14,000 each day that the violations are not corrected.

She was also told that if she does not lose her friggin, sarcastically arrogant attitude he will have her arrested and sent down to The Laredo State Prison For The Extremely Elderly.

Mrs. Farkensheister reportedly stood in front of Blumpkin, grabbed at her crotch, such as it is, and replied, "Bite this you little sawed off whippersnapper!"

Blumpkin ran behind an oleander bush and started throwing up.

In other Texas news. The University of Texas Board of Regents voted 19 to 17 to retain the university nickname the Texas Longhorns instead of changing it to the Texas Chupacabras.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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