Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 9 March 2011

image for Joan Rivers and Daughter Melissa Visit Arizona's Grand Canyon and Remark "Okay, What The Hell's So Grand About It?"
One of Joan Rivers cats which she named Naomi after Naomi Campbell. (Photo from the Kitty Cats of Manhattan Collection.).

FLAGSTAFF, Arizona - Joan Rivers the 97-year-old star of the WE Network's reality show Joan Knows Best and her 42-year-old daughter Melissa visited the Grand Canyon in order to get away from the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles.

And as the two stood a top a platform overlooking the expansive canyon Joan turned to Melissa and said, "Okay, bitch I give up tell me what the hell is go grand about this effen canyon?"

To which Melissa replied, "I don't know you old bag of Yiddish bones it sure does beat the hell out of me."

Joan remarked, "Ya see sweety, it's nothing but false advertising, just like those Kia people saying that their car will go from zero to 100 in 2.3 seconds."

"I know mom. I know." Melissa responded after having heard her mom talk about the Kia commercial for the past two years.

The mother and daughter duo have had more than their share of arguments, fights, and face slapping matches ever since Joan moved from her $25 million Manhattan apartment out west to daughter Melissa's $1.2 million California home

And from the beginning Joan has been extremely meddlesome. She hadn't been there two day when she completely took all of Melissa's living room furniture and removed it from her home, complete with a $1.4 million painting entitled, The Half Empty Or Half Full Bottle of Mogen David Wine by noted Israeli painter Myron Moshe Pompawitz, who actually painted the world famous painting with his tongue (yes his tongue).

She also removed an imported priceless Arabian carpet that had once belonged to a cousin of Yul Brynner's and a 15th century Ming vase that had been presented to President and Mrs. Abraham Lincoln by the descendants of Attila the Hun.

Joan donated everything to the Goodwill Center. Needless to say when Melissa arrived home and saw what had happened and then heard what her mom had done with her painting, the carpet, and the vase she immediately jumped on her mother, physically and rode her all over the living room, down the hall, and into the kitchen like Dale Evans on her horse Buttermilk.

Melissa was finally able to buck her mother off after she slammed her left leg against the refrigerator causing a little plaster of Paris statute of Mickey Rooney to fall on Joan's head nearly knocking her out and sending her to "La La Land."

Luckily for the mother and daughter a neighborhood security patrol car happened to be patrolling by and the two officers heard the commotion, broke into the kitchen, and were able to restrain the two women before they seriously hurt each other.

One of the security officers came very close to tasering Joan after she told him that he looked like Richard Simmons except that he (the officer) was a lot more feminine.

The officer shot back by saying that he would put her in handcuffs but he heard from reliable sources that she (Joan Rivers) is a kinky ass bitch who likes to be handcuffed, have her ears tickled with a taco tickler, and told that she has the sexiest looking Adam's apple since Serena Williams.

The officers left after Joan and Melissa promised them that they would stop acting like two white honky Jewish versions of Mike "The Zoo Animal" Tyson.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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