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Topics: Local

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

image for Breaking News: Local Man Can't Find Puppy

(Royal Oak, MI - January 21, 2011)…The local community is abuzz today, as area handyman Jim Peterson has initiated a community outreach to garner support for his desperate search to find his missing Dalmatian puppy, Mr. Sparkles.

In a patriotic move, channeling our founding fathers, Peterson hasn't relied on outside sources to find his Mr. Sparkles, just so they can give him a government puppy "hand-out," instead taking to the streets and inspiring others to join his grassroots campaign.

Peterson, who is 32 and has lived in the area for upwards of a decade, is proactively reaching out to young children in the area by personally driving his decrepit van around the neighborhood and asking local youth if they can help him find his puppy.

Community activists applauded the movement, with many saying they would donate their children to the cause if they weren't dirty childless hippies who've wasted their lives thinking one person really can make a difference in the world.

Local elementary and middle schools have also collaborated with Mr. Peterson's search, even allowing him to hand pick the students he felt would be most effective.

After a strenuous week of intensive interviews that focused on the gullibility of each individual, as well as a specific focus on recruiting the most attractive students, which Peterson logically noted "would just be instinctively more appealing to the puppy," a group of 100 innocent and vulnerable children made the final cut.

After a banquet at Chuck E. Cheese, the fresh crop of adolescents was welcomed into the newly formed puppy finding non-profit organization: Recruiting All Puppy Enthusiasts (RAPE), that was started by Peterson in an attempt to not only gather the children in his local area, but across the entire nation.

"At first I was hesitant, I won't lie, I wasn't sure that people would be ready for RAPE.

"I mean, adults asking children to help them find their lost puppies has been going on for generations, but for far too long, nobody was willing to gather everyone together, and say hey, this is what it's all about, gathering all of these animal lovers together for nothing but RAPE.

"Sure, the recruiting process wasn't easy, but I know with the support of the community, particularly the loving and caring women and children in our local area, we can spread RAPE throughout the entire state! In fact, it's my dream that one day we will have RAPE in every state across the United States of America."

Of course the move was not without controversy, as residents throughout the state expressed their, ultimately meaningless, outrage.

While the move to recruit the most aesthetically pleasing children was universally hailed as the "best idea ever," the dissenting opinions stemmed largely from cat owners who were tired of dogs always getting more attention.

In a move to combat the proliferation of RAPE, cat lovers quickly organized their own non-profit: Caring Organization for Cats and Kittens (COCK).

COCK will now act as RAPE's main competitor in the newly created industry of recruiting hot children to "find your pets."

Darleen Shoemaker, the outspoken leader who has separated herself as the head and voice of COCK, showcased her passion:

"For far too long, cat lovers have been treated as inferior citizens! Maybe we haven't been treated as the Jews or blacks or any other minority from the past, but we have our rights, and now is the time to show how much we care about cats and kittens.

"As individuals we will struggle, but if you dedicate your time and passion to COCK, there is literally no telling what type of benefits will be unloaded all over you.

"Every cat owner in America owes it to themselves, to go in their room, look in the mirror, and say 'If I love cats, then I must love COCK!' Together we can change the world."

At the time of publication, Mr. Sparkles had still not been found by anybody who signed up for RAPE, however is has been reported that 43 students from 3rd-5th grade have gone missing, although Mr. Peterson assured us those stories were completely unrelated before he left for his "indefinite" vacation to "not America."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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