Washington (AP) -- Congress today unanimously approved legislation involving the complete restructuring of determining who really is cut of presidential timber. Complicated requirements for the keys to the white house have been tossed in favor of a much more efficient system. Whoever is the winner of the National Electoral College Halo Deathmatch will be named president of the United States starting in 2008.
Gone are the days of complicated electoral votes deciding who wins this state and who wins that state. Millions are expected to be saved in campaign expenses and campaign advertising. Gone are the days of conventions and generally worthless fanfare and broken campaign promises. Hanging chads are a thing of the past. Voting machines will be just a memory. Whoever is the last man or woman standing in the National Electoral College Halo Deathmatch will become President. President Bush called the new system "Yummy as Jujyfruits and downright wholesome.....filled with American pride yesiree!"
The only requirement is that you win the deathmatch. People from all walks of life are eligible. Nincompoop bag ladies and overeducated doctors are now on an even playing field. There is also no minimum age requirement either, as government officials state that the consequences of doing so would be potentially costly. According to Vice President Dick Cheney "A minimum age requirement in the tournament would put a considerably large demographic at a distinct disadvantage."
Sales of the Halo video game are expected to rise sharply as millions of presidential wannabes gear up for the grueling tournament. Each match will be in "Slayer" mode with shotguns as the primary weapon. The first presidential hopeful to 25 kills eliminates his or her opponent from the presidency and advances to the next round.
Halo is a first person shooter and is currently available for XBox and on the PC. The massive nationwide tournament consists of numerous sub-tournaments where an entrant has to win the sub-tournament to advance to the quarterfinals and eventually onto the state finals. Once each state finalist is determined the winner from each state will randomly face off agains another state's finalist. "It is going to be a fight to the finish, last man standing kind of tournament" said California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I can play Halo and beat up on all the girly men and women here but who is to say some girly man from Arkansas won't sneak up and terminate me? If that happens... I'll be back!"
"If you can strafe your opponent and know how to eliminate Covenant forces on legendary difficulty then there is no reason to believe that you can't run this country as efficiently as the current administration." said John Kerry. "I am going to be really really prepared THIS time around!!"