Everyone in the U.S. will soon be running for President, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele announced today. "I'm runnin', you runnin', the whole damn country's runnin'," he said.
It seems the Republicans have gotten unusually desperate in their search for a viable candidate to oppose incumbent President Barack Obama. As Minority Leader John Boehner explained, "Sarah Palin is a joke, a joke that stopped being funny two years ago. Mike Huckabee-nice guy, too reasonable. Rand Paul-a little too wacky even for me. Giuliani, too scary, and he won't shut about 9/11. Let's move on already. Jeb Bush would be a shoo-in if his brother hadn't fucked every thing up. The talk show hosts don't want to run. They're making big bucks as it is, why should they screw things up by getting an actual job? Things are so bad Newt Gingrich is talking about running. Just wait till the democrats bring up how he served his wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital with cancer. Yeah, that'll go real well.
"It's anyone's guess who will win. Christ, even Donald Trump is running. That'll make a great reality show, in hell. Because anybody can win, we've signed up every last registered U.S. citizen to run. It's like the lottery-you probably won't win, but you'll never win if you don't try. I'm running myself, not that I have a shot in hell."
The only person who's not running on the Republican ticket is, of course, Barack Obama. Election experts say the Republican strategy is nothing more than a cynical ploy to steal votes away from the Democratic candidate. As election strategist Charlie Cook says, "They're hoping to get Independents to vote for themselves, thus losing that important sector for the President. Unfortunately, they may have overextended themselves. They may split the vote. If every single American votes for his or her self, then it all hinges on the First Lady. If Michelle votes for her husband, then two votes may be all he needs to win. But is she's selfish, she could cast a vote for herself and ruin it all. In that case the Republicans have only to rig a single vote to win. They could, say, rig an Ohio voting booth to give an extra vote to Lyndon LaRouche, or Pat Buchanan, or Howdy Doody the Fuckin' Puppet. Who knows who it'll be? But it's breathtaking to consider the possibilities."
Right Wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh told listeners he was positive Michell Obama would vote for herself. "Look at this woman," he said. "She's clearly selfish. Look at the way she eats ribs. Only a monster would dare eat ribs."
Anyone who is not already registered must do so before the April 15 deadline. Dogs and cats are not allowed to run. No illegal Mexicans either.