Written by Harold Q. Fuey
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Topics: Susan Boyle

Monday, 21 February 2011

image for SuBo fanatic's latest quilt held for ransom!
We've got it, babe!

Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies were distraught today after their latest quilt was kidnapped and held for ransom. The quilt, the 300th to be made by the fanatics, was on its way to the UK to be presented to SuBo.

"It was all a blur," wept the chief quilter. "We could have sent it by courier, but I insisted that I'd take it myself on the plane. That way I could plead poverty, and get a load of complete strangers to pay for the trip!" she continued.

Trouble started at the airport when a highly humourous gang wearing purple ski masks swept in, grabbed the quilt, and made off in their purple clown car.

"Yes, we have the quilt!" confirmed a spokesman for the group, calling themselves 'Da Jolly Gang'. "We demand that the loonies give us $1 million, or the quilt gets it! We've already chopped off one square of the quilt and posted it to them. Failure to pay up and we get the devil to un-bless it!" cackled the spokesman.

"How are we supposed to raise $1 million?" cried a fanatic. "I mean, we can't even afford to run our favourite meeting place as it is," she continued to bawl.

"My wealthy husband probably has $1 million in his wallet. I would have asked him, but he's attending yet another conference in Hawaii with his secretary. I still don't know why he goes to so many of these conferences?" said a deluded fanatic.

"We've decided to raise the prices in our Tacky Gift Shop to help raise the money! A mandatory red scarf is now $25,000, a 2% increase on our usual price. Buy one or be banned!" warned a chief fanatic.

"We're on the trail! We consider this gang unarmed and highly humourous. We advise the public not to approach them or they may die of laughter," warned the police.

The fanatics have now set up a hotline for anyone with information about the whereabouts of the quilt: 5-555-QLT-GONE. Fanatics who need help with their loss may call 5-555-CRY-BAWL.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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