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Monday, 21 February 2011

image for Life Sentences For Vampires 'Unconstitutional' Says Supreme Court

Via a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court has ruled that life sentences for vampires are unconstitutional in a landmark decision.

In an opinion of Compton v. Virginia, (112 US 381) written by Justice Ginsberg, the Court found as follows:

"In the instant case, wherein Judicial Notice was taken regarding the interminable lifespan of the vampiric human analog, the Court below erred in imposing what is essentially an interminable sentence of incarceration."

This decision is the third of the so-called 'human analog' cases, wherein Constitutional rights are reinterpreted for vampires. The earlier cases, the Supreme Court ruled that a vampire must be considered a 'person', despite the widespread belief that the 'underlying human' is indeed dead.

The dissenting opinion, written by Justice Clarence Thomas, believes that the Court errs in considering vampires "human enough":

"This Court once again rules that a species of animal, which we again pronounce as being non-human, should be afforded the same rights as a human, ostensibly because they inhabit the body of a human. The logical extrapolation is that, were cows or goats to appear human, they would be afforded similar Constitutional guarantees."

"What this opinion does is commutes life sentences given to those who are either already dead, or those that can not die, and remands them back to their trial court for sentencing under new Federal human-analog guidelines," says noted legal scholar Anthony Rosania, regarded as the 'Alan Dershowitz of the undead.'

"It is a whole new world, legally speaking. It'll be interesting to see how it turns out."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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