Written by Brett Taylor
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Sunday, 20 February 2011

Tens of thousands of Tea Party members showed up at the Wisconsin Capitol this weekend to show support for Governor Scott Walker, whose budget plan will strip unions of their right to negotiate. They brought signs that practically begged the governor to crush workers forever.

PLEASE CRUSH US FOREVER, read a typical sign. Others read, FAIR TREATMENT UNFAIR TO GOVERNMENT and STAND WITH THOSE WHO STAND AGAINST US. Another said, BUST THE UNIONS-ALSO QUEERS AND MEXICANS. Also, I LIKE THE BILL-ME LIKE AMERICAN IDOL TOO.

"I like being pitted against my fellow worker," said one protester. "Collective bargaining means I have to think about stuff. Why can't we just let government do the thinking for us? If we just let them decide everything it'll be so much easier."

A few Wisconsionites displayed their intelligence by sporting cheese hats.

"Unions are out of control," said Joe Buettner, who travelled from the small town of Clover. "For too long they've crammed things down our throat, like weekends, fair treatment and fair pay. I can't even yank my kids out of school and make them work in the coal mines, all because some union passed some dumb child labor law years ago. How am I supposed to eat?"

"It's not fair that some workers make more than others," said Bradley Munster, from Allard, WI. "Look at teachers. All they do is provide our children with a brighter future. Who needs that? If are kids get too smart, they may leave behind the important things in life, like Nascar, video games, and heavy drinking. All for what? To concentrate on some dumb degree. Having skilled workers receive good pay is not American. It's not democracy. We need some kind of a new system where nobody makes any more money than anybody else. Any excess money would go to support a cruel, all-powerful government, and individual voices will be silenced in favor of vast militaristic conformity. I'm not sure what you'd call it though."

Interestingly, both Buettner and Munster said they received their political education from watching Fox News. There's probably no connection, though.

At least one lady said she disapproved of both sides-"I think all the protests are disgusting. For the bill, or against. This kind of mass assembly serves no purpose but to rock the boat and make us all look bad. Protesting is the kind of thing that should only happen in the Middle East."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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