WASHINGTON DC (AP) At a press conference held at the White House, President George Bush outlined his plans for the future of New Orleans.
"First, I want to congratulate Michael Brown and FEMA for doing such an outstanding job during the rescue phase in the wake of Hurricane Katrina this past week. Due to his hard work, the death toll will surely rise to the 10,000 we planned on. Keep up the hard work Mike, and you will get that promotion and raise I promised you."
"Second, I want to make it clear to all the black folks down there in the disaster who mistook my words last week… y'all are invited to visit with me on Trent Lott's new porch when he gets it ready. We'll all have a good time, y'hear? Trent says that you'll be welcomed right on the front porch. Don't forget now!"
"Speaking about having a good time, I want to also make it clear now that last week when I spoke about my having a good time in Houston some time ago, I was not talking about cocaine or other drugs… it was just me and a couple good buddies sharing a few beers. Yuk, yuk" (smiling and shrugging)
"Uh, now I want to talk a little about my recommendations for what I like to call the New New Orleans. After speaking with some of my friends in the oil bidness, we decided that the best thing for the country and for New Orleans would be to move some of those loose oil rigs in the Gulf right into the French Quarter. I have directed Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman to start drilling for oil in all the other parts of "old" New Orleans. That will help solve the short-term energy crisis we are having. I'm hoping that the price of gasoline will remain steady at about $6.25 a gallon - a price I think everyone will agree that nearly all Americans can afford."
"I want to apologize to Long John Silver and Mrs. Paul for killing off all the fish in the Gulf of Mexico. We coulda' treated all that crap we pumped into the Gulf, but that costs money, and we gotta' save our money so we can send more badly needed funds to freedom-lovin' folks in Iraq. You know, I really never cared for fish that much… but I sure like a good ol' T-bone steak every night, and I'm sure most folks will get used to T-bones before long. My ranchin' buddies down in Texas think so. Speakin' of ranchin', I really do need to get back down to Crawford pretty soon… I really hate when my ranchin' vacation gets interrupted."
"Iraq: oh yeah… it's been nice nobody's been asking me any questions about Iraq this past week… Thank you all, and may G_d Bless the United States of America!"