The Governor of Louisiana, in conjunction with the head of F.E.M.A. and the mayor of New Orleans, have come up with some rather unconventional plans to assist in the clean up and rescue efforts in the hurricane ravaged area. Government spokesman Edgar Potbellystove released the following information at a press conference earlier today from a Shreveport command center:
"Who appears at your door every month whether you want to see them or not? The Mormon Elder Missionaries and the Jehovah's Witnesses. Instead of allowing them to hand out copies of the Book of Mormon, the Joseph Smith story pamphlet, or the latest issue of the Watchtower, we have decided that they should be handing out pamphlets on disease control, instructions on boiling water before using it, tips on hygiene, and lessons on how to properly dry out your carpets. The first month, we are using them to take a census of the number of people who are currently living in homes. We are encouraging the people of the area to answer the doors for them for the next few months and not peek at them from behind the curtains or have the kids tell them that the parents are not at home. When the present crisis is over, we will let them go back to annoying people and we can ignore them like we usually do."
"Paperboys are also an integral part of our emergency plans. SInce newspapers don't float and bicycles don't do well in three feet of water, we are putting them to work also. From now on, paperboys will be responsible for delivering bottled water to homes. This should come in handy, especially to the old people who don't get out much. We are also asking you to remember them with a little something extra at Christmas time and not to stiff them when it is time for their monthly collections."
"We are also bringing in the trained dolphins, porpoised, and orcas from the different Sea World theme parks to serve as public transportation. We have all seen their trainers ride them in the parks, so we figure that the people who normally ride the bus or take a cab can be trained to grab on to a fin also. SInce none of our bus drivers or cabbies speak English anyway, this should not be make too much difference."
"The new dress code at the public schools and public and private universities will now be the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue."
"Surprisingly, we now have a large group of people volunteering to help out at the local schools."