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Sunday, 4 September 2005

image for Bush to Gulf Waters: "This is War"

While being questioned by reporters Sunday morning, President George W. Bush announced that the American government will "hunt down and capture" the gulf waters responsible for the attack on New Orleans.

Declaring Louisiana and surrounding areas "adequately fixed for the moment", President Bush, in a bold offensive, will move Army and Coast Guard troops and supplies out of the affected areas to take up positions along the coast of Florida. With the latest in satellite technology at their command, American troops, Bush declared, will hunt down and eliminate the "single named terrorists of the sea".

In further comments, President Bush defended his administration's flat footed response to the devastation left by Hurricane Katrina by insisting that the intelligence was not available to predict such a disaster. The government was just informed on Thursday, Bush continued, that New Orleans was located below sea level.

"That's probably not a good idea," Bush concluded with support from officials from FEMA.

To add to the confusion, officials at FEMA mistook the mass of struggling survivors with the usual tailgaters seen outside the Superdome during football season. "It is preseason, after all," Bush acknowledged. "How were we to know?"

Now that law and order has been restored along the affected areas, Bush contended to reporters that it was time to move on and stop dwelling on the massive losses. "It's time for payback," the President declared.

It is unknown at this time whether England will join the United States in their efforts to quell the violent ocean waters. When questioned about the Bush decision to fight a two front war, Tony Blair simply sighed and added, "As we live on a Island, we are familiar with the toll the ocean can take. However, we would need further studies to see if an adversary actually exists."

With American troops strategically placed along the Gulf Coast waters, Bush insisted, America will never again be caught unawares as rogue waters attempt to attack our shores. Given the authority to use all means necessary, it is believed that rogue hurricanes will be diverted to Guantanamo to be processed and questioned. Since hurricanes are "rogue cells", it is believed they will not be afforded the protections of ordinary prisoners of war.

The Red Cross, however, will provide the prisoner hurricanes with packages of food and toiletries.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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