Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: Iraq, suicide

Sunday, 4 September 2005

image for Bush Nears Failing Grade
"Be right there."

President Bush said it again. The President announced we were fighting the war in Iraq because of 9/11. Hello? Can't someone explain that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, and that the suicide terrorists of 9/11 were not Iraqi? Iraq was a secular government, not Islamic fundamentalist; the kind that produce suicide bombers. Or have advisors tried and just plain given up? Reputed to be a C student, Bush is giving C students a really bad name. C students have traditionally been the creative innovators of the planet, strapped with C grades due to holding down two jobs, paying for tuition and books, but proving their mettle after graduation. Since Bush is besmirching their reputation, the `Swift C Grade Veteran Students for Truth', has been formed. The group's suspicion is that Bush wasn't really a C student, but a D student.

The repeated 9/11 misrepresentation is serious enough, but that seven minute pause was not the reaction of a C or D student. In this age of nuclear possibilities, informed that the country was under attack, a seven minute pause is not a passing grade. Remember the scramble under desks during school drills in case of nuclear attack? Teachers never said, "Kids, cool it, take seven." Nascar drivers don't stop for seven minutes after being given the green light. No-one stares at a dinner plate for seven minutes before eating. If one were to wait seven minutes before paying up at a check out stand in a supermarket, someone would call security. If you waited seven minutes before handing over your passport at immigration, you probably wouldn't be allowed into the country.

As a result, the underground D student movement is mobilizing surreptitiously. Not a very proud or vocal group, they recognize the pressure of the President moving down to their level and want to pass him along toward the E level, which scholastically does not stand for Excellent. But D/E students were always great party goers, having a lot in common, and united, in a Jerry Springer audience sort of way, to send Bush back up to the C level. The sharper C group ain't going to let that happen.

Meanwhile, Katrina struck, and it wasn't a seven minute pause. This time a five day pause followed. Where is George? Connecting dots maybe? Busy dodging Cindy Sheehan? But F people everywhere are praising his slow, thoughtful and pragmatic reaction. The F people are making welcoming sounds, "Come on down here, W. We'll flatten beer cans on our heads; hunt squirrels, cuss, spit and cut brush. We are family."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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