Written by wadenelson
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Saturday, 3 September 2005

image for "Shoot to Kill" -- Louisiana Governor Blanco Declares Open Season on New Orleans Looters
Speeders learning to say "Yes Sir!" to officers.

Baton Rouge -- Louisiana Governor Blanco announced a temporary closure of tourist season in New Orleans, and declared "open season" on looters. No sex, size or weight limitations on looters were declared, to the delight of big game hunters already arriving from neighboring states.

Taxidermists from Texas to Missouri were reportedly overwhelmed with requests for mountings following the early opening of looter season. A popular "pose" is with arms full of looted items, such as liquor, or a plasma screen telvision.

Unlike rescuers, the hunters came prepared with airboats, bass boats, ATV's, and plenty of food and water to last "the season." Removing a "trophy" kill requires only a toe-tag, available from any New Orleans policeman or National Guardsman.

As far as looters shooting back, "Well, that's what camo and kevlar is for, right?" said New Orleans policeman Bo Soleil -- although we prefer hunters wear day-glo orange so we don't confuse THEM with armed gangsta's," he added.

As far as gangs heading for the Superdome with weapons stolen from a flooded Wal-Mart, "We have a plan for that, said FEMA director Charles Brown." Before boarding any busses leaving 'Narlens, residents will have to pass through a metal detector and leave all weapons, and looted television sets behind. No armed criminals are leaving New Orleans, at least not on MY greyhounds.
Anyone who wants to stay and swim for three months is welcome to hang onto their firearm."

New Orleans cops said it was "Payback time" for known criminals in the Big Easy who'd previously escaped conviction. "They thought they'd stay beind and take advantage of the weak and elderly. Now they're running out of water, and we're gunning them down. Nobody needs a stack of red-tag Levi's in a natural disaster area. If all someone has taken is food and water, we're not going to be shooting them.

Questions arose as to whether Pepsi, beer, and other beverages constituted "food and water" or looting, as in the case of a vehicle loaded with Miller Lite stopped by New Orleans police. "We arrested the guy on drunk driving, so it really doesn't matter now" said Detective Randy Wankowski.

Police reportedly plan "sting" operations by opening the shutters of Pep Boys, Circuit City, and other, high end stores with nothing anyone in a natural disaster needs, then sitting on nearby rooftops with a sniper rifle and picking looters off one by one."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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