CANTON, Ohio - With sixty four co-eds at Timken high school in Ohio pregnant, the Bush Administration and Moral Majority have called upon Gil Grissom and his CSI team of investigators to test the water supply. Apparently the administration is no more willing to admit that their plan of "ignorance and abstinence" doesn't seem to be working than they are to admit that global warming had anything to do with Hurricane Katrina flooding New Orleans.
"They're both disasters," said CSI producer Jerry Bruckheimer. And the administration is blaming H20 for both of them. Forget about unrepaired levee's and dental dams, or contraceptives and sex education. There's got to be something in the water, well, that's the administration's belief. My investigators, well, actors who pretend to be CSI investigators, get paid by the hour, so what the heck!
We'll give them whatever lab results they want to see! When you own your own Mass Spectrometer, it's easy!"
With morning sickness making early morning classes a "challenge," freshman Selby "Easy" Selkirk now regrets her attendance at "Bush Youth" rallys where "family values" were taught, instead of learning how to use birth control. "He said he would only put the tip in, and swore he wouldn't come. I've been crying every day and every night. I keep blaming myself for this," said the 18-year-old Selby, who is six months pregnant. The worst part is not being sure which one the father is. I was such a slut!"
64 of Timken's 490 female students - 13 percent - are pregnant. That breaks down to 12 freshmen, 24 sophmores, 18 juniors, and, well, a number of seniors who were apparently "getting some."
Experts, parents and students themselves struggle to explain why high teen pregancy rates appear, outside of the fact that teens are A) having sex, and B) unusually fertile. "That's where the water theory comes in, says Investigator Grissom. Perhaps it's tainted with fertility drugs someone threw in the reservoir. We'll let the evidence speak for itself, since we all know a hard #@$@# has no conscience."
Jack Wilson, 18, who now works at a weiner stand a few blocks from the school while making plans to get his GED and caring for his 2-year-old son, said the problem is with condoms. "It's like taking a shower in a raincoat! If the stoopid girls would just take the pill, or get a patch, I would be going to Harvard!"
Students at Timken, reportedly get six weeks of maternity leave, at which point they usually flunk out. "I really don't know how a young woman can think she can complete a chemistry lab while she's still breastfeeding, said Anita Hill, professor of Organic chemistry."
"My belly has swollen to horrible proportions. I wish I knew the answer to why it's happening," principal Kim Redmond told the city's daily newspaper The Suppository. Redmond did not return several messages left by The Associated Press. "I only partied with the football team once, that's all, I swear!"
Abstinence-based programs have been growing hard and harder to "sell" at schools over the past few years. In Ohio, the Bush's administration and the state's health department have awarded $32 million in grants to Ohio agencies for abstinence education since 2001. Meanwhile, a pack of rubbers remains $12, at Walgreens.
"It can happen to anybody no matter who you are, not just bad girls," she said, apparently utilizing the same definition of "bad" as ex-President Bill Clinton. "I did not have sex with any Ohio high school students," a spokesperson for Clinton claims.