Written by THE MORGAN
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Saturday, 12 February 2011

A 22 year old Brooklyn woman has filed divorce against her vagina on the grounds it has failed to meet "expected functioning."

Helen Splinter, a Texan native who immigrated to New York less than a month ago says she has had enough of her "useless twat" and has decided to move on in the best interests of her future.

Ms. Splinter, relatively attractive, slim, blue eyes, sporting a short blonde bob, told a packed press audience at The Pussy Cat Lounge in Manhattan's financial district, that "enough was enough."

Ms. Splinter conducted a power point presentation on a big screen behind her, which mainly consisted of a still picture of her slim, trim poony, although there were short videos of her masturbating and being fucked.

One journalist was ejected on Ms. Splinter's insistence he was "insensitive" having blown his wad over a nearby chair.

The young woman described a life of obsessive and frantic masturbation, spending "thousands" on sex toys" and tramping herself across continents like a gutter whore in the hope the would find someone who could take her to "the top of the hill."

Having fucked 500 men in Texas, and "feeling bored" whilst 15 women took turns lapping between her legs at a lesbian orgy she had arranged, Ms. Splinter decided to head east to New York in the hope she would finally find pleasure down south.

The young woman slammed New York. "They promise you this promise you that, but it's same old same old. I took home a different person every night for a month but it was no better."

If her vagina can't provide her with an orgasm, Ms. Splinter feels it is better they seperate, and insists her grounds for divorce are not motivated by financial gain.

In a counter claim, her vagina has threatened to sue on the grounds her owner is "nothing short of a complete cunt."

Ms. Splinters attorney claims the vagina is "obviously jealous."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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