WASHINGTON-US President George Bush has urged the victims of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans and the Gulf Coast to eat some cake.
"Oh my, but bad hurricanes fuelled by global warming do not exist," sighed the president as he stuffed cake into his mouth at a garden party for rich Republicans in the White House Rose Garden on Wednesday. "Exxon Mobil has told me that global warming is a figment of the imagination, just like hurricanes. My, but this cake tastes good!"
The president then cruised above the devastation of the Gulf Coast in Air Force One.
"What is all that water doing in the streets of those towns and cities?" he asked perplexed assistants who had no idea what he was talking about.
"Why are those people paddling around like that?" he asked. "Don't they have the sense to swim in their swimming pools? They look like terrorists to me. I certainly hope that Homeland Security shoots or hangs any looters they catch."
Bush then reluctantly released federal disaster relief money to the devastated states but only on the condition that they vote Republican.
"Since those scruffy looking people carrying plastic bags seem to believe in hurricanes and don't have the common sense to get out of the water, we'll just have to give them some money to help them get them back on their feet," he stated. "Noblesse oblige is not dead."
Yet Bush couldn't understand what the refuges were doing in Texas.
"But what are they doing in the Houston Astrodome, anyway? Maybe we can ship them to Iraq to steal the oil, so they can at least make themselves useful. I really don't know what the world is coming to when people from New Orleans have nothing better to do but hang around in a stadium rather than checking into a good five star hotel for their vacation, or gong to their club and playing a few rounds of golf."
When told by a reporter that most of the housing of New Orleans has been destroyed and is not recoverable thanks to the idiots at the US Army Corps of Engineers and their absurd levees, and lack of planning by FEMA, Bush made a suggestion.
"Well, if they ever manage to dry themselves out, can't we just drop a hydrogen bomb on the place and get rid of it? I so dislike ugliness and messiness. It is simply not Republican."